Samsara

[milo]

a few more minor points:

1) 'Samsara' should have a dot under the 'm', otherwise it is spelt more correctly as 'Sansara'
2) 'fetid swamp' is both a cliche and a bit of a stretch, since the flow of the river, even in the dry months, is too large for water to stagnate. 'Fetid water' maybe

Great callouts and thanks for the additional comments.  I believe to be correct, samsara also need a line over the second a as well (Saṃsāra).

The picture in the original news article was of the area the bodies were pulled and it is a very low area of the river that is indeed very swamp like.

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[quote='milo' pid='205348' dateline='1456075509']
More metrically correct version


Hi,

I enjoyed your poem and how the rhyme scheme reinforced the horror.  The stench of death did not bother me as a cliché.  I noticed that was mentioned in your comment as a potential concern.  I did notice a loose structure as in the words are not tight, there are many small extra words but I realize they sit for meter.  Forgive me for not realizing what specific form this is.  You could potentially tighten things up by saying things like life cycle instead of cycle of life or death stench instead of stench of death.  I am not sure what that would do to your form or meter.  I am only offering that as an attempt at feedback.

As for how to describe the stench of death in a different way...hmmm...I cannot think of anything that works better.

This is a villanelle

if you haven't tried one yet, I suggest it, they are a lot of fun.  I don't know that the post-modern practice of stripping the natural parts of speech out of poetry in hopes of compression (articles and conjunctions mostly) ever made it from free verse to formal verse but even if it had, I doubt I would employ the technique, not because it isn't valid but because I find it makes for stilted sounding verse.

I think there is a subtle difference between the scent of death and death's scent but I could be mistaken (I am hoping to never use the expression cycle of life in a poem but we will see)

Thank you for taking time to read and comment.  I hope to have a revision soon and you have helped immensely.

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second edit posted