Samsara

[REW]

More metrically correct version

Samsara

We followed the call of crows to the river Ganges -
100 bodies - more - a fetid swamp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.  (there are quite a few useless words here that, the, of, the)

The himalaya cycle never changes.
God's eye, the wick, and there we set our lamp
and followed the call of crows. The river Ganges -

the source of life and on that source life hinges -
and sets those greedy banks as life's last camp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

The dogs compete amidst the plenty. Mange is
wild in thin fur, their snarling breath is damp
they followed the call of crows to the river Ganges.

They didn't seek rebirth - more scourge or binges
They didn't want the life parade and stamp
that paints the stench of death.  Across the ranges

of jewels and silks and opulence and dinges
of human trash that mountains into dumps.
We followed the call of crows to the river Ganges
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.


Original

Samsara

We followed the call of crows to the river Ganges -
100 bodies - more - a fetid swamp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

The himalaya cycle never changes.
God's eye, the wick, and there we set our lamp
and followed the call of crows. The river Ganges -

the source of life and on that source life hinges -
and sets those greedy banks as death's camp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

The dogs compete amidst the plenty. Mange is
wild in thin fur, their breath is damp
they followed the call of crows to the river Ganges.

They didn't want the rebirth of scourge or binges
didn't want the life parade and stamp
that paints the stench of death.  Across the ranges

of jewels and silks and opulence and dinges
of humans and trash that mountain into dumps
we followed the call of crows to the river Ganges
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

http://www.newsweek.com/2015/10/02/gange...75347.html

Hi,

I enjoyed your poem and how the rhyme scheme reinforced the horror.  The stench of death did not bother me as a cliché.  I noticed that was mentioned in your comment as a potential concern.  I did notice a loose structure as in the words are not tight, there are many small extra words but I realize they sit for meter.  Forgive me for not realizing what specific form this is.  You could potentially tighten things up by saying things like life cycle instead of cycle of life or death stench instead of stench of death.  I am not sure what that would do to your form or meter.  I am only offering that as an attempt at feedback.

As for how to describe the stench of death in a different way...hmmm...I cannot think of anything that works better.