Samsara

[milo]

 I am feeling twinges every time I read "stench of death"

Isn't that a good thing? The 'stench of death' would give me twinges also.
I never saw it as cliche when I read it through the first time and even after reading your concerns I still don't have a problem with it. Cliches usually leap out, but not this.

It's a good read, I enjoyed it very much. I particularly liked the unexpectedness of the 'Mange is' rhyme, so unexpected that I missed it but it was worth doubling back to get it second time.

I keep on wanting to read 'the call of the crows' as 'the caw of the crows'. I would kind of offer it as a suggestion but I'm sure it's technically wrong as it would be 'the caws of the crows' which doesn't sound right at all. 'the call of the crows' covers both.

Thanks for the read and the linked article,
Mark

Thank you for your comments, Mark.

The reason I stuck with "stench" instead of moving to the less "journalize"  "scent" or "smell" was for the consonance with the end rhymes (ange).  To hear you say it did not bother you is good.

I like your suggestion of "caw" as it is far more imagistic than "call".  The reason I probably won't change isn't because it isn't a great suggestion (it is) but rather because I was hoping "call" would do double duty as pointing to my central metaphor while "caw" is more literal but I am going to stew over it for a bit.

Once again, thanks for reading and getting me thinking.