Gentle Autumn

[milo]

as a novice poem the [sonnet] form is well executed.
outside the novice forum it wouldn't fair too well. mainly because of the cliches and there are quite a few.
while being sweet enough it loses itself in the myriad of similar sonnets with little to make it stand apart. after reading the sonnet, i know nothing of you or her. all i see is [we loved each other as we grew older] the seasons are one of the most cliched ways of showing the passage of time relating to man.  try to be original. great effort, you can do a sonnet, now try at an original one

Gentle Autumn 

Come here my love and lay awhile with me,
And with your weary head upon my breast,
Relax and let your thoughts drift dreamily
As you and I together take our rest.
This is our time of close companionship,
Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face.
I ask no more of life than tenderness,
Our youthful times of passion being spent;
But do not think my love is any less,
Or that in life today I’m not content.
We shared our Spring and Summer, dearest wife;
So now the gentle Autumn of our life. 

Thank you Billy, I'm pleased it is recognisable as a sonnet. I suppose I would have to admit that this poem was written really for my wife and although it pleased her ( Clichés and all )  I can see that not everyone would appreciate a calm expression of love in old age.

I think that it is not the expression of love in old age (there have been many fantastic poems written with the same topic) so much as the need of poetry to say something original.  I am sure your wife loves it (every wife should love having a poem written for her) but what separates your love and your wife from the other millions?  This is what I want from a poem, something that I havent seen 1000 times before.  Let's face it, you are not Shakespeare - as I am not Shakespeare.  We both lack the talent and ability.  our only hope in creating a poem worth reading over and over by readers who may not know our wives is to produce something they have not read before.

How will your writing transcend the millions of love in old age poems for those that don't know you or your wife?  This is a question for all of us - not just you.  The purpose of workshopping is to help us break out of our own views and see how others may view it to create a poem for many to read - not just our own friends or wives.

Good luck, I know you will do well, a sonnet is not easy.