Burdens

[REW]

I liked the opening strophe. After that, there's too much gnashing of teeth and moaning without giving the reader any reason to be emotionally invested in the narrator's plight. I caught my finger in a car door the other day, so why should I care about you slashing yourself? If it's childhood sexual abuse, rape, or a cheating lover, then you have my sympathy and attention. But you never tell me or hint at it.

EDIT: let me clarify what I meant by the above - the 'you' should be read as 'narrator', who may or may not be the author. I am not suggesting that the author is speaking in her own voice - she may or may not be, that is none of my concern. But whether narrated in her own voice or the voice of an imagined third person, a background to the suffering is necessary for the poem to work.

Thanks for the feedback in regards to my teeth knashing and moaning.

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Mayhaps the author isn't asking for sympathy? I believe we're to detach the poem from the author...in which I don't have much to say about it. On the topic of self mutilation, I am generally quiet.

Yes this is not an attempt at sympathy seeking.  It is drawn from personal experiences and isn't detached from the narrator. It seems this is really bad.

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Hi,
The first part of the poem works better for me but is somewhat spoilt by the end which seems to be wanting to add some kind of justification for the mutilation. I don't feel as though it is needed. And although I said that the line about the graveyard left me wanting more information, I feel as though it would make an excellent last line of the poem. That's not to say that what comes after should be scrapped, just that if it could be moved to be the last line I think it would work.

Thanks for sharing,

Mark

Thanks Mark.  You have pointed out numerous specific issues for me to look at for revision.  Thank you for the feedback.

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Please understand I did like your poem.

Thank you for the feeeback.  I am going to work on some changes in a bit.  I appreciate it.  This was based on reality, from a long time ago.  I really did leave a painting in a graveyard and I think it is significant.  Maybe I can expand on it so it doesn't come across as goth.  It was a very dark time...but I was never "goth."  Maybe this wasn't a good subject to write about...I chose it because I thought it would be a more unique subject.

I think it is a good subject.  Keep trying, I am sure you can find a way to make it not "goth".  Good poetry comes from serious, difficult things generally.

I did do some revising.  I am hoping it is an improvement, but it might be even more goth now lol.