Burdens

[REW]

I always felt a nervous flutter
buying razor blades and peroxide
at the local pharmacy
but nobody ever batted an eye.

I carved, slashed, crosshatched--
watched as rivulets ran down,
admired them, the wounds
sometimes dripping into paint,
leaving DNA in my creations. 

My best work I left in a graveyard.

Had I known about scarification
I might have made designs instead of
chaotic and haphazard gashes, the scars
a reminder of ugliness so loud
my ears still ring now.

They say you can't remember pain.
True, you don't, just that there was,
but it is there like a shadow that remains.

Maybe one day there will be enough light
from all directions to make it go away.
The scars won't matter and I won't be so tired
from being an ox in a yoke.

I liked the opening strophe. After that, there's too much gnashing of teeth and moaning without giving the reader any reason to be emotionally invested in the narrator's plight. I caught my finger in a car door the other day, so why should I care about you slashing yourself? If it's childhood sexual abuse, rape, or a cheating lover, then you have my sympathy and attention. But you never tell me or hint at it.

EDIT: let me clarify what I meant by the above - the 'you' should be read as 'narrator', who may or may not be the author. I am not suggesting that the author is speaking in her own voice - she may or may not be, that is none of my concern. But whether narrated in her own voice or the voice of an imagined third person, a background to the suffering is necessary for the poem to work.

Thanks for the feedback in regards to my teeth knashing and moaning.

---

Mayhaps the author isn't asking for sympathy? I believe we're to detach the poem from the author...in which I don't have much to say about it. On the topic of self mutilation, I am generally quiet.

Yes this is not an attempt at sympathy seeking.  It is drawn from personal experiences and isn't detached from the narrator. It seems this is really bad.

---

I always felt a nervous flutter
buying razor blades and peroxide
at the local pharmacy
but nobody ever batted an eye.--- I was going to say 'Don't you mean eyelid?' either way both are a cliche which spoil this otherwise excellent opening stanza

I carved, slashed, crosshatched-- --Not sure about them two dashes and their purpose. Is crosshatched all one word, some places say that it's hyphenated
watched as rivulets ran down,
admired them, the wounds
sometimes dripping into paint,
leaving DNA in my creations. 

My best work I left in a graveyard.-- This line kind of leaves me wanting more information, although I do like the idea of it being symbolic.

Had I known about scarification-- I don't feel that the mention of 'scarification' adds anything here. It seems an odd thing to say that had you known there were others that made art from scars... When it feels like what you are really saying is, 'Had I thought ahead'
I might have made designs instead of
chaotic and haphazard gashes, the scars
a reminder of ugliness so loud
my ears still ring now.

They say you can't remember pain.-- Who are they? 
True, you don't, just that there was,
but it is there like a shadow that remains.

Maybe one day there will be enough light
from all directions to make it go away.-- To make what go away? The pain. This is a little bit confusing.
The scars won't matter and I won't be so tired
from being an ox in a yoke.-- And hence the reason for the title, if 'ox in a yoke' is another way of saying 'beast of burden' then it is bordering on cliche

Hi,
The first part of the poem works better for me but is somewhat spoilt by the end which seems to be wanting to add some kind of justification for the mutilation. I don't feel as though it is needed. And although I said that the line about the graveyard left me wanting more information, I feel as though it would make an excellent last line of the poem. That's not to say that what comes after should be scrapped, just that if it could be moved to be the last line I think it would work.

Thanks for sharing,

Mark

Thanks Mark.  You have pointed out numerous specific issues for me to look at for revision.  Thank you for the feedback.

---

I always felt a nervous flutter
buying razor blades and peroxide
at the local pharmacy
but nobody ever batted an eye.  the opening indeed is engaging, agree batting an eye is cliche.  "No one ever noticed"?  but that's almost too much

I carved, slashed, crosshatched--
watched as rivulets ran down,
admired them, the wounds
sometimes dripping into paint,
leaving DNA in my creations.   Even though self mutilation in others annoys me, I did find this cool.  A hobby I have is woodworking, and sometimes there is the inadvertent injury.  Blood is an interesting dye in wood;  considering the real physical presence of yourself in something you made is also interesting, but maybe unwise.

My best work I left in a graveyard.  Too goth.

Had I known about scarification
I might have made designs instead of
chaotic and haphazard gashes, the scars
a reminder of ugliness so loud
my ears still ring now.Starting to feel the regret;  it doesn't quite get there, but nice sensory cross over.

They say you can't remember pain.
True, you don't, just that there was,
but it is there like a shadow that remains.  A little too rhetorical, I think that's what Ambrosial Revelation is noting.  Perhaps more stating how there are permanent shadows etc etc

Maybe one day there will be enough light  I think I get the shadow followed by the light angles, but it isn't played out so well.  
from all directions to make it go away.
The scars won't matter and I won't be so tired
from being an ox in a yoke.

Please understand I did like your poem.

Thank you for the feeeback.  I am going to work on some changes in a bit.  I appreciate it.  This was based on reality, from a long time ago.  I really did leave a painting in a graveyard and I think it is significant.  Maybe I can expand on it so it doesn't come across as goth.  It was a very dark time...but I was never "goth."  Maybe this wasn't a good subject to write about...I chose it because I thought it would be a more unique subject.