02-21-2016, 05:36 PM
Hi mark,
Just wanted to say how much I like the premise and tone of this one. i think you have done a good job with offsetting the humorous twist of the pov against the underlying seriousness of the illness.
i particularly like the way that you have blended the medical images and terms / names with the slag names to give a picture of a place where clinical / meets civilian/ meets street life
The last stanza sealed the deal for me in terms of the whole working for me.
My only nit was I did not really get the need for the question marks and then the opener I ask - felt like this should be past tense I asked. (as I read the previous stanza as in [you gave me] Steri-wipes, ci-tric, fil-ters ... [so that in my read the end punctuation was ??? or even !!!]
sorry making a hash of explaining my thoughts here. (long day yesterday and up early to finish a large concreting job...talking of which gtg and float my concrete !!)
AJ.
Just wanted to say how much I like the premise and tone of this one. i think you have done a good job with offsetting the humorous twist of the pov against the underlying seriousness of the illness.
i particularly like the way that you have blended the medical images and terms / names with the slag names to give a picture of a place where clinical / meets civilian/ meets street life
The last stanza sealed the deal for me in terms of the whole working for me.
My only nit was I did not really get the need for the question marks and then the opener I ask - felt like this should be past tense I asked. (as I read the previous stanza as in [you gave me] Steri-wipes, ci-tric, fil-ters ... [so that in my read the end punctuation was ??? or even !!!]
sorry making a hash of explaining my thoughts here. (long day yesterday and up early to finish a large concreting job...talking of which gtg and float my concrete !!)
AJ.
(02-21-2016, 04:09 PM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: At the needle exchange
I am enigmatic.
A cipher on a pedestal,
they riddle me with bullets.
Steri-Wipes?
Ci-tric?
Fil-ters?
I ask for pins and sin bins,
whilst watching angelic hands
struggle with a silencer.
As they reload
I tell them about my friend.
A simple lie would gain their respect.
I tell the truth.
My words are met rhythmically
with six muffled gunshots,
"A - di - a - bet - ic - dog."
Note:
Pins is slang for needles/hypodermic syringes.
Sin bin is slang for a container for used needles.