Gentle Autumn
#4
overall, a well written poem.
it does have a lot of cliches, as milo pointed out, but these can probably be fixed. the basic rigging is alright.
some suggestions below

(02-20-2016, 07:37 AM)Julius Wrote:  Gentle Autumn 

Come here my love and lay awhile with me, ...... there are too many poems that begin with some variant of 'come here my love'. If you want to use it, try and break up the bland meter with punctuation such as 'Come here. Love.'; or with enjanbment, such as 'Come here, my / Love'; or an interesting adjective, such as 'Come here, my grey gold love' (just saying). Similarly, too many poets roughly 300 years ago spoke of 'lying awhile'. It is an archaic expression, and if used, needs to be done innovatively to still sound fresh. I can't think of a way at the moment, but I'm sure there would be many.

And with your weary head upon my breast ..... weary heads lying upon breasts is a tired image. How about a different adjective? The head doesn't need to be weary, it could be grey gold, or wise old (not recommended), or old maid's (certainly not recommended),  etc. There are any number of fresh expressions that could be applied to the subject's head.

Relax and let your thoughts drift dreamily  .....'drift dreamily' is cliche. Additionally, 'thoughts drifting' is abstract enough to not warrant 'dreamily'. A tangible image after 'drift' is needed here. For instance, 'drift in their sea'.
As you and I together take our rest..... the stretching out of 'as we take our rest' with 'you and I' and 'together' is an obvious attempt at trying to fit the meter. If, for instance, you had 'drift in their sea' in the previous line, you could carry on with that image and still end it with 'rest'.

This is our time of close companionship,
Take comfort in the warmth of my embrace  ...'take comfort' is bland, and 'warmth of my embrace' is cliche. 
And smile, as softly with my finger tip
I trace familiar contours of your face. ...there is a surfeit of abstract adjectives well before this point. I would suggest something more tangible than 'familiar' - eg. 'the crowfeet'
I ask no more of life than tenderness ....warmth, tenderness....too much of the same old thing. Abstract and repetitive.
Our youthful times of passion being spent;
But do not think my love is any less,
Or that in life today I’m not content....this is nice. I like how 'content' is rhymed with 'spent' without appearing forced.
We shared our Spring and Summer dearest wife;...cliche. how about dropping the spring and just talking about 'leaf-filled summer' (terrible in itself) or something?
So now the gentle Autumn of our life. ...cliche, but inevitable if you have 'spring and summer' in the previous line.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe


Messages In This Thread
Gentle Autumn - by Julius - 02-20-2016, 07:37 AM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by ellajam - 02-20-2016, 09:26 AM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by Julius - 02-20-2016, 08:52 PM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by milo - 02-20-2016, 12:31 PM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by Achebe - 02-20-2016, 02:34 PM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by Weeded - 02-20-2016, 10:09 PM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by Julius - 02-21-2016, 01:52 AM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by REW - 02-21-2016, 11:50 AM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by Julius - 02-21-2016, 07:11 PM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by billy - 02-21-2016, 07:53 PM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by Julius - 02-22-2016, 06:02 AM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by milo - 02-22-2016, 06:13 AM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by mackzmike - 02-22-2016, 06:13 AM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by ellajam - 02-22-2016, 02:41 PM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by 1skylande1 - 02-22-2016, 08:34 PM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by Julius - 02-23-2016, 02:08 AM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by escher - 02-26-2016, 07:40 AM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by Julius - 02-28-2016, 07:48 PM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by DC Black - 03-16-2016, 07:11 PM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by The Raven - 03-20-2016, 10:29 PM
RE: Gentle Autumn - by Julius - 03-23-2016, 03:41 AM



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