Diana

[Achebe]

Crystalline grief bequeathed to winter's sky. stars are frequently compared with crystals, so I get where you're coming from, but 'crystalline grief' makes no sense. technically speaking, crystalline grief isn't brittle - a diamond is a crystal, for example. it's not clear what aspect (there's a pun for you) of a crystal can represent grief - fracture planes, lattice structures, reflectivity, etc.
'Astral grief' would be more appropriate, though ugly.

Enamored huntsman turned her maiden eye.
Her favor spied by dawn's omniscient light surely it wasn't her favour? she set the dogs on her. also, the light is not omniscient, merely illuminating.
Set love adrift, from waves to starry night. the waves of the pool that she was bathing in? even if so, why waves? weak association with the myth.

                               
I'm trying to wrap my head around iambic pentameter with this one... discipline is hard.   Any tips/insight, greatly appreciated.

I think the meter's ok except for 'omniscient' light - which reads as 11 syllables ('scient' can be read as 2 or 3 because of the 2 vowels)