Night’s Geology - Edit3

[billy]

hi duke, as an admirer of your poetry i have to say;

for me the poem doesn't work so well as a sonnet, there's no real pay off
the couplet also feels a bit contrived and somewhat tainted. to engineer happens in many species. birds, insects primates to name a few. to use it as a human trait is unscientific. the latter part f the couplet implies stone has feeling. do they?

wish i could have been more positive

Night’s Geology

Edit1

What gets you through the tunnel and the night without knowing anything as of yet, i do like the separation twixt the two
Is much the same: there’s dread it frees you of,
Fear of abandonment, like rocky height i keeps saying heights when i read it
Above, weighs down, no breath, no light, no love. this and the next line do little to keep me reading, it's like ideas are being postulated that i can't accept, there's not enough substance to make me see feel what's being said has relevance
Hope’s not enough:  you must own confidence,
Belief in science, that this tunnel’s roof
Is like each other’s, bored through rock as dense,
That’s crushed no one – a tested, public proof.
You likewise trust the pillars of your mind - who is the you?
Revealed religion, ideology -
Because they’ve helped so many souls to find
Safe passage through each night’s geology.
    To engineer is human; so’s belief:
    The stress of life, like stone, wants strain relief.


Original version

What gets you through the tunnel and the night
Is much the same: there’s dread it frees you of,
Fear of abandonment, like rocky height
Above, weighs down, no breath, no light, no love.
Hope’s not enough:  you must own confidence,
Belief in science, that this tunnel’s roof
Is like each other’s, bored through rock as dense,
That’s crushed no one – a tested, public proof.
You trust the pit-props shoring up your mind
Likewise, religion, ideology,
Because they’ve helped so many souls to find
Safe passage through each night’s geology.
    To engineer is human; so’s belief:
    The stress of life, like stone, wants strain relief.