This is Me
#4
(02-15-2016, 09:02 AM)mlund Wrote:  Every strand of her hair was out of place
and she stepped on every crack.            - Solid opening line, immediate sense of theme.
Her curves were in the wrong places      -This is nit picking, but the repetition of 'place' snags me. I wonder if reworking line one would eliminate a cliche
and her voice came out in rasps.             and help bypass this.
She avoided every surface
made of glass, and people too.
Anything that reflected
what she thought she really knew.      -What does she know? Here's a chance to take it past her outward appearance/presentation
But one day as she stood
on the edge of a river, calm
Her eyes flowed like streams        
and her hands shook like palms
As she suddenly caught a glimpse
of what she never dared to see;
A beautiful shard of chaos             
and said, "This is Me".
There's room to edit this down to increase the emphasis on your theme. I read this as being about more than just appearance, it's mentioned in the line 'beautiful shard of chaos', this is something that could be solidified (and expanded on maybe?) a little earlier. I like what you did with 'every surface made of glass, and people too.' Nice!
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Messages In This Thread
This is Me - by mlund - 02-15-2016, 09:02 AM
RE: This is Me - by dukealien - 02-15-2016, 10:05 AM
RE: This is Me - by QDeathstar - 02-15-2016, 12:57 PM
RE: This is Me - by nikkisto - 02-16-2016, 03:45 PM
RE: This is Me - by Achebe - 02-17-2016, 11:35 AM
RE: This is Me - by ephemerald - 03-08-2016, 05:15 AM
RE: This is Me - by helenalovern@gmail.com - 03-13-2016, 05:08 AM



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