02-16-2016, 01:14 PM
"You trust the pit-props shoring up your mind
Likewise, religion, ideology,
Because they’ve helped so many souls to find
Safe passage through each night’s geology."
As a whole piece, I like it's construction and the subject matter. That is not to say whether I disagree with it or not. The four lines I have quoted above are what make this piece difficult, however. The fact that is a sonnet is clear. And sonnets have rules, and this fits the rules much better than many of the pieces I see. But lines 9, 10, and 12 all have small inconsistencies. The syllable count is all fine, but that is not where meter is entirely measured. 'Pit-props,' being hyphenated, is naturally spondaic, and I can't seem to "destress" the word 'props' as I say it. 'Likewise,' isn't exactly an iamb in my dialect, but maybe it's different in yours. It's forgivable. But 'ideology' does not fit at all. It's completely unnatural to every dialect of English I've heard to stress that final syllable. The same goes for geology, and most words that end in the letter Y, as far as I know. Iambic pentameter is so common in English poetry because it is so natural to the English language.
[small portion deleted after reading above comment]
I suggest tweaks to those three lines, and anything else that has to be tweaked to follow along with such changes.
(also, this is my first time commenting in mild critique, so I'm not sure if this is too much or too little)
Likewise, religion, ideology,
Because they’ve helped so many souls to find
Safe passage through each night’s geology."
As a whole piece, I like it's construction and the subject matter. That is not to say whether I disagree with it or not. The four lines I have quoted above are what make this piece difficult, however. The fact that is a sonnet is clear. And sonnets have rules, and this fits the rules much better than many of the pieces I see. But lines 9, 10, and 12 all have small inconsistencies. The syllable count is all fine, but that is not where meter is entirely measured. 'Pit-props,' being hyphenated, is naturally spondaic, and I can't seem to "destress" the word 'props' as I say it. 'Likewise,' isn't exactly an iamb in my dialect, but maybe it's different in yours. It's forgivable. But 'ideology' does not fit at all. It's completely unnatural to every dialect of English I've heard to stress that final syllable. The same goes for geology, and most words that end in the letter Y, as far as I know. Iambic pentameter is so common in English poetry because it is so natural to the English language.
[small portion deleted after reading above comment]
I suggest tweaks to those three lines, and anything else that has to be tweaked to follow along with such changes.
(also, this is my first time commenting in mild critique, so I'm not sure if this is too much or too little)
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona