02-14-2016, 01:46 PM
Strange deletions. Like Erthona said, the meter isn't there and frequently comes across as awkward. If it is an attempt at something iambic, I suggest you don't start with a trochee. (Flowers = fláwərz in IPA, generally speaking.)
"She whispered the magic words; and he just said hmm." -- Although the close of this line may quite possibly have a fair purpose, it still bothers me severely.
"Dawned on him one day, to Him, he was drawn." -- This is an example of where a deletion might not be a great choice. I personally doubt that anything is gained by deleting the subject of the first clause.
Stanza two appears to have a few stylistic decisions evident, and if so, I like the ideas behind them, but not the execution. The semicolons help to convey some of the hesitation, and the fact that "amiss" and "hmm" don't really rhyme is a fair to show that something is "amiss." Still, I personally don't like the "hmm" part, and would try to use something else there (again, a personal thing, not a technical issue IMO). Stanzas one and three don't have any such stylistic decisions that I can pick up on.
"She whispered the magic words; and he just said hmm." -- Although the close of this line may quite possibly have a fair purpose, it still bothers me severely.
"Dawned on him one day, to Him, he was drawn." -- This is an example of where a deletion might not be a great choice. I personally doubt that anything is gained by deleting the subject of the first clause.
Stanza two appears to have a few stylistic decisions evident, and if so, I like the ideas behind them, but not the execution. The semicolons help to convey some of the hesitation, and the fact that "amiss" and "hmm" don't really rhyme is a fair to show that something is "amiss." Still, I personally don't like the "hmm" part, and would try to use something else there (again, a personal thing, not a technical issue IMO). Stanzas one and three don't have any such stylistic decisions that I can pick up on.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona