02-13-2016, 12:02 AM
Cutie Star,
Well...the title doesn't help. I'm guessing emotional domestic or self inflicted violence of some kind. What is unclear to me is why is the writer hiding what he means to say? It is as though he is afraid to acknowledge what he is trying to write about. Regardless, the title and lack of clear purpose in the poem has probably had something to do with it lying dormant here. I would suggest the title has caused it to get so few views and when someone does look at it, they do not know what they are looking at and so leave without commenting.
Part of this is maybe trying to hard to be poetic (or too avant-garde):
"I've broken out with self serving shots but I'm mostly fine."
I'm wondering how one does that, the "broken out" part I mean. You mean that although you have been putting yourself down, you are fine. Usually when one does that it is suggestive of low self-esteem and self-hatred, so fine would not be the word to use, unless this is irony, which I am willing to concede.
I've found pain is left behind when life's leftovers are allowed to lay torn on the floor.
The speaker says that he has found that "pain is left behind..." which seems to contradict the first sentence. As "life's leftovers" is/are undefined the rest of the sentence makes no sense, or another way to say it is the ambiguity level is so high it could mean anything.
I'm skipping the next sentence as I have no idea what to do with it.
"They call me quietly "massacre".
So do "they" (whoever they are) call you "quietly" or has grammar just flown out the window?
Quietly, they call me "massacre". Why not "I am called massacre." Better title also.
Why is "massacre" in quotes? Is this a particular "massacre", or is it not a real "massacre"?
I know the writer is meaning to say something or else, why write anything at all, but what that something is, is beyond my comprehension.
Yes, I know this is beyond a "mild" critique, but as no one had touched it, I felt compelled to give a little extra. My apologies if it was more than was asked for.
Best,
dale
Well...the title doesn't help. I'm guessing emotional domestic or self inflicted violence of some kind. What is unclear to me is why is the writer hiding what he means to say? It is as though he is afraid to acknowledge what he is trying to write about. Regardless, the title and lack of clear purpose in the poem has probably had something to do with it lying dormant here. I would suggest the title has caused it to get so few views and when someone does look at it, they do not know what they are looking at and so leave without commenting.
Part of this is maybe trying to hard to be poetic (or too avant-garde):
"I've broken out with self serving shots but I'm mostly fine."
I'm wondering how one does that, the "broken out" part I mean. You mean that although you have been putting yourself down, you are fine. Usually when one does that it is suggestive of low self-esteem and self-hatred, so fine would not be the word to use, unless this is irony, which I am willing to concede.
I've found pain is left behind when life's leftovers are allowed to lay torn on the floor.
The speaker says that he has found that "pain is left behind..." which seems to contradict the first sentence. As "life's leftovers" is/are undefined the rest of the sentence makes no sense, or another way to say it is the ambiguity level is so high it could mean anything.
I'm skipping the next sentence as I have no idea what to do with it.
"They call me quietly "massacre".
So do "they" (whoever they are) call you "quietly" or has grammar just flown out the window?
Quietly, they call me "massacre". Why not "I am called massacre." Better title also.
Why is "massacre" in quotes? Is this a particular "massacre", or is it not a real "massacre"?
I know the writer is meaning to say something or else, why write anything at all, but what that something is, is beyond my comprehension.
Yes, I know this is beyond a "mild" critique, but as no one had touched it, I felt compelled to give a little extra. My apologies if it was more than was asked for.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.