Town and Country blues Edit 1.00000001 wjames, river, dale,nikki

[nikkisto]

You shipped me out, beneath this foreign sky;
with bleeding eyes I look through fret and try
and try to see what you see here.
The sodden ground that yields like gangrened flesh
sticks glutinously to my every stride    I always read a pause here, maybe some punctuation now that the hyphened break is gone?
so that my very walk becomes a strain.
Down comes more rain.

There are no lights once diamond days have died; 
the beast of black depression says you lied,
then slumps like mortar on my heart.     I like your change here! 'Slumps like mortar' very original.
You promised me the scents and sounds of bliss,
where we would roll and wrap ourselves in lust
and suck the soft green grass on which we’d lain.
Down comes more rain.

I want the noise, the blaze and blare of life,
to bump and bruise within the common strife;
for what is silence if not death?
Speak loud and scream if that is what you feel.
Hit hard and low and blame me for it all;
the truth of what we have is loving pain.
Down comes more rain.

tectak
2016  

Original

You shipped me out, beneath this foreign sky;
with bleeding eyes I look through fret and try
and try to see what you see here.
The sodden ground that yields like gangrened flesh
-- it stinks of ungulates and all they drop--
sticks glutinously to my every stride
so that my very walk becomes a strain.
Down comes more rain.

There are no lights once diamond days have died;
the beast of black depression says you lied,
then sits like stone upon my heart.
You promised me the scents and sounds of bliss,
where we would roll and wrap ourselves in lust
and suck the soft green grass on which we’d lain.
Down comes more rain.

I want the noise, the blaze and blare of life,
to bump and bruise within the common strife;
but what is silence if not death?
Speak loud and scream if that is what you feel.
Hit hard and low and blame me for it all;
the truth of what we have is loving pain.
Down comes more rain.

tectak
2016

I've gone back to the original a few times to revisit, just because I enjoyed it. Personally, I think the "you's" read clearly and I didn't have an issue with them. But I'm also not great at picking up on subtlety and tend to take things a face value...newbie here haha It was interesting to read the others' interpretations of "shipped me out", for me it just indicated the speaker's lack of choice, I didn't read military in the context. Well done, good edit!