Falling Fruit

[tectak]

Falling Fruit
I like most of your stuff but have learned to be cautious in both praise and in criticism. Like much of what you write this seems to me to be organic. It grows as it goes. It metamophoses in to its finality...worryingly, though, I am not convinced that this is in your control. I confess that the metrics of a piece are for me of inverse importance to the words...but it only works one way round. Words win every time...as here. So I am buggered if I care a jot about your 44443 inverted trochees  with a half-foot twist. Who are you kiddin'? Now to the poem.
 
Is the fruit forever numb, Now lookee here. This is ONE question and it constitutes a sentence. End it now, with a question mark.
think you it lacking, dumb? Another question. Ditto. Questionable research in to that dumb word probably forced you to rhyme in retrospect with numb. Somewhere in your labyrinthian neurones a synapse fired and you were disavowed of plum and plumb. I would have used one or the other...but that's me.
Or else an unsupportable bum,
that from the tree it must be hung
by your insipid meddling? Yes to this though "the" tree is introducing a doubt in the reader's mind...what am I missing? What does he know that I do not? Aw the hell. "a" tree, please.
 
And you call this needed support? Vive la difference. This line is actually statemental so CAN roll on in to the next two lines to complete the complex question.
When more than any you do abort,
because your fear of their comport? Question comport. It seems more agreeable than pernicious in context. I do not understand what you are saying.
Want not their brain to exercise
needy and dependant? To be frank, it is getting muddlesome. their, plural...brain, singular. exercise needy? Huh?
 
You salt your quisling in the pie,
then pepper liberally with lies,
but now your time is coming neigh nigh unless you are a little horse(touche)
and this fruit will burst anew,
for the truth is shinning. shining

All in all, there is an over complexity in the piece which does not permit me to comment on intent. To square the circle, the words win over both metrics and meaning. Is that good?
Best,
tectak
 
 
 
erthona
 
Note: This is not written in iambic, it is written in accentual verse 4-4-4-4-3, or free iambic verse with trochee turns. The idea behind this sort of form is that it allows the writer the ability to modulate the rhythmic pattern to accentuate certain aspects of the poem. Just thought I'd let you know so you did not spend time scanning it to tell me I am out of meter.    dale
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