the owl

[cidermaid]

So i was looking out my window today thinking what should i write for you all today how can i improve  etc etc

I saw a owl sit around and then take off and started to write,
I had to stop as after the first paragraph as anything else i wrote it started to feel forced and i did not like that
Please critique it as much as you like:




Hardness touched the softest vision,
fluid in measure, 
flushed by decision.
Time shows no mercy, 
longing to ponder the night.
Tears fill rivers, the heart crystallize.
while the length reaches near, 
stare forth and collide.
Left to a itself only emptiness inside.
fathom the cries, for this hour a bird takes flight.

Hi, I have read this one several times now and find that I agree with the comments that Dale has made concerning the overall read of this one.
owls are something I love as well and when you see one they are entrancing so I can see why you felt inspired to write your poem.
This poem fell short on delivery for me because I could not connect the images you had selected with an owl in my mind.

It feels that perhaps you are trying too hard and that you are in a hurry to be poetic.  Some of the best advise I received when I first started writing and joined the site was to allow myself to write complete crap in terms of it being a finished poem, but to pay careful attention to my words actually meaning something.  (ie don't write poetically - write things that make sense).

The owl is a great subject choice, so don't give up on this.  If you are going to leave it for a while my suggestion would be to sit and free write 8 - 10 sentences each on a new line about exactly what you saw (and how it made you feel / what memories or emotions it brought to mind).  try and include as many descriptive words as you can.
Hopefully when you come back to this these lines will help you recall what it was you saw and wanted to express.
Hope this helps AJ.