02-10-2016, 11:44 AM
I'm afraid I don't have a lot to add in the "critique" department, I like this math pome, but I'm wondering if it's because of the other one, which I have to assume gave some inspiration to this one.
i think the peice would be more impactful if it were condensed. I'm not feeling great about the cellphone/madmen stanza.. are you looking at the cellphone seeing madmen? The second half of the poem has way more meat and is a lot more enjoyable.
from the part "I and I and me in tandem" down is just excellent, and I much prefer in tandem than "and soon"....
i think the peice would be more impactful if it were condensed. I'm not feeling great about the cellphone/madmen stanza.. are you looking at the cellphone seeing madmen? The second half of the poem has way more meat and is a lot more enjoyable.
from the part "I and I and me in tandem" down is just excellent, and I much prefer in tandem than "and soon"....