02-10-2016, 07:54 AM
Poems should stand on their own with out explanation. In the future just post the poem, otherwise it is likely to bias the critique.
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Hardness touched the softest vision,
fluid in measure,
flushed by decision. (If this were written out in a complete sentence would it make sense?)
Hardness touched the softest vision, fluid in measure, flushed by decision.
(Do you really want "hardness to be your subject?)
Time shows no mercy,
longing to ponder the night. (Is time longing to ponder the night?)
Tears fill rivers, the heart crystallize. ("crystallizes" there is a period after "crystallize" should be a comma or the next line should be capped)
while the length reaches near, (what length?)
stare forth and collide. ("stares" Sorry this makes no sense to me)
Left to a itself only emptiness inside. (Did you re-read this before posting it? "Left to "a" itself" Once again this ends in a period, but the next line is not capped)
fathom the cries, for this hour a bird takes flight.(cliche)
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There are some fundamental grammatical problems with this poem that lead to a decided lack of clarity. I suggest letting a piece set for several weeks before posting. Just put it somewhere and forget it. Then come back to it and read it with fresh eyes, this will help you catch the technical errors as well as to see if what you have written actually makes sense. This is something all new poets must learn to do, so you are not unique in this.
Welcome to the site,
Best,
dale
__________________________________________________________________________
Hardness touched the softest vision,
fluid in measure,
flushed by decision. (If this were written out in a complete sentence would it make sense?)
Hardness touched the softest vision, fluid in measure, flushed by decision.
(Do you really want "hardness to be your subject?)
Time shows no mercy,
longing to ponder the night. (Is time longing to ponder the night?)
Tears fill rivers, the heart crystallize. ("crystallizes" there is a period after "crystallize" should be a comma or the next line should be capped)
while the length reaches near, (what length?)
stare forth and collide. ("stares" Sorry this makes no sense to me)
Left to a itself only emptiness inside. (Did you re-read this before posting it? "Left to "a" itself" Once again this ends in a period, but the next line is not capped)
fathom the cries, for this hour a bird takes flight.(cliche)
_____________________________________________________________________
There are some fundamental grammatical problems with this poem that lead to a decided lack of clarity. I suggest letting a piece set for several weeks before posting. Just put it somewhere and forget it. Then come back to it and read it with fresh eyes, this will help you catch the technical errors as well as to see if what you have written actually makes sense. This is something all new poets must learn to do, so you are not unique in this.
Welcome to the site,
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.