Falling Fruit

[Erthona]

Thanks RN, nice critique. You're right there are some metrically unsound things in there, even though it is not strict meter.

You and Paul both had a problem with this line "because your fear of their comport?"

In other words of their conduct, their behavior, that they might break away from what the "you" referred to wants the "them" to do.

definition:
comport: to bear or conduct (oneself); behave: (dictionary.com)

It does seem a little weird, I'll admit, as though I should use something like "comportment", but that is considered obsolete. So I am stuck with the verb form, although it could be a grammatical error...anybody want to weigh in on that?

"noun: Obsolete. comportment."  (dictionary.com) So I am stuck with comport

Written out sentence wise I suppose it should be "because of your fear of their comport?" That is the "fear" is preexisting, which for me is an important point. Changing it to "because you fear their comport?" Carries the connotation of immediacy and not the long standing dread that the other does. This is not a justification of how it is written, these were my thoughts when writing it this way. At this point I may have to settle for the lessor meaning because both of you are correct and it cannot be left as is and I am not sure I can tolerate two "of" in the same line. 

Shouldn't it be "dependent"? Dependant is just too, er, inconsistently defined....

dependant: relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.
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And you call this needed support? I still get a bit twisted as to how meter works when a work doesn't work with regular feet, but I see this as having the possibility of being read with only three stresses -- the ones that are really there for me are only "call", "need", and "port".

Straight iambs: And you call this needed support?  

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"And there's something so, I dunno, ineffective about the statement of these last two lines -- say, a certain lack of vividness unsupported by any rhymes, or something."

This was an experimental, obviously it did not work for you, but the weakness in the line is suppose to reflect the weakness in what is being said. This is not a high energy statement. Compare to the ending of S1

"that from the tree it must be hung
by your insipid meddling?" 

contrast, however with the more energetic words in S3, and also metrically as it starts with a line of trochee and ends on one.

"and this fruit will burst anew,
for the truth is shinning."



In S2 it is as though there is hardly a third foot in the last line "needy and dependant? Although the accent is on the middle syllable of "dependant" it is not a hard accent, making the line weaker.

So...that was by design, but maybe it was not a design that worked. I do a lot of this sort of thing, most does not end of being a success.

Oh well...

Thanks again for your critique, lots to work on here.

dale

PS If this response seems a bit disjointed I have a screaming child about 10 feet from me while I try and write this