The Eternal Sunset

[RiverNotch]

I've edited this so that editorially it makes sense. The format and the font should be changed -- the font obscures the commas (I first thought you ended most of your lines as full stops), and the centering means nothing other than a pain -- though, if you really wanna stick with your, er, gift-card sense, at least wait until the final draft, to make it easier for us critics.

Most of man know life as time,

but privy few know that ebbs and tides not shackled by time 

are what make life divine. Note: most is plural, ebbs and tides are plural: thus, "know", "are".

The eternal sunset on the horizon waves,

and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way;

but if past the sunset an inferno lies, 

I would do good a deed and temper vice today! Too long. "I'd quit my sins and do good deeds today!" 

And as muscle dies and senses fail,

and if the spirit withers away,

that I say is the worst of fates! These three lines completely unnecessary -- the spirit will wither away in the inferno, and you already very clearly imply that that would be very, very bad (ahem, inferno), and regardless of heaven and hell, muscle will die and sense will fail.

Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan: Mirage and charlatan, redundant.

it imitates, and masquerades; Again, unnecessary point, with the justification being below -- and the imagery here is not vivid enough to justify being elaborated, what with a "mirage" already "imitating, masquerading".

For man’s torch can only flare and dim,

but remains a speck in a great abyss; Another unnecessary point. Your point is whether you should speed to death or not -- to say that man's life would eventually die is obvious already. Or if you mean to say that man's life is one big lump of bright nothing in the middle of a great lump of dark nothing, well, again, unnecessary -- death is already an inferno.

The eternal sunset comes closer still,

Should I live in wait or run to it with all my will? Too long. Merely "Should I wait, or rush [more vivid] to it with all my will?"

Bland, at points either senseless or redundant (or, er, both), and saying nothing that hasn't already been said (or, even when said, isn't exactly worth saying as much, at least in poetry, not without a good ton of novelty).