Falling Fruit

[RiverNotch]

Falling Fruit
 
Is the fruit forever numb, Maybe semicolon instead of comma?
think you it lacking, dumb? The break in rhythm here is weird -- would prefer Tiger's suggestion.
Or else an unsupportable bum,
that from the tree it must be hung
by your insipid meddling?
 
And you call this needed support? I still get a bit twisted as to how meter works when a work doesn't work with regular feet, but I see this as having the possibility of being read with only three stresses -- the ones that are really there for me are only "call", "need", and "port".
When more than any you do abort,
because your fear of their comport? Either this is missing an "of", or you change "your" to "you" and remove an "of". Removing the "of" would break the rhythm, of course, but I agree that an extra "of" would make this sound too close to a hurrying ass. Hmm....
And, but this is only me, I keep reading "comport" as "comport", that is, the dessert, which of course is metrically wrong -- but, and this time this should be a valid bit of crit, the duplicity's a pun that works well.
Want not their brain to exercise
needy and dependant? Shouldn't it be "dependent"? Dependant is just too, er, inconsistently defined....
And there's something so, I dunno, ineffective about the statement of these last two lines -- say, a certain lack of vividness unsupported by any rhymes, or something.
 
You salt your quisling in the pie,
then pepper liberally with lies, Metrically, this is proper, but the gargling sound of "liberal" detracts for me, here -- everything's so smooth, even with the jumps in the stresses, until this.
but now your time is coming neigh Nigh, unless you really want your lines to gallop.
and this fruit will burst anew, Maybe remove the comma.
for the truth is shinning. Is the "shinning" intentional? "Shinning" as in climbing down (although weird, for a fruit)? If so, well, I think this is way too easy to read as shining, and a lot of people might get the wrong idea -- and again, weird that a bit of truth will shinny down a tree, 'stead of, er, tumble, or something.
 
Hmm....I usually think if someone's gonna work with stressy-verse, that someone ought to be a bit more playful, really take advantage of that freedom -- more trochees at the beginning, more jumping about, placing special goodies as spondees here and there, with a real correspondence between sound and meaning, that sort of thing. I mean, the freedom from stricter meter here works, but when you announced it with that big note, I was really hoping for a bit of something. Oh well. It's good stuff anyway.
©2004 revised 2016