The Eternal Sunset

[porpoise]

(changed formatting for easier editing)

Most of man knows life as time,

but privy few know that ebbs and tides not shackled by time, 

is what make life divine; these first three lines are very awkward sounding.

you should look into making it two, so that the second line isn't so disproportionately long

compared to the lines before and after it. 

as it stands, rhyming time with time is not the greatest (and a grammar nitpick, the IS in the third line should be ARE as you're talking about both the ebbs and the tides)

The eternal sunset on the horizon waves,

and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way, 

and if past the sunset an inferno lies, 

I would do good a deed and temper vice today;

doing ok here, but may i suggest replacing the second sunset with different phrasing?

its slightly repetitive and draws away from the message.

also, why the semicolon? seems unnecessary.

And as muscle dies and senses fail,

and if the spirit withers away,

that I say is the worst of fates!

what exactly is the worst fate, here? failure of the body or failure of the soul? just a bit unclear.

Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan:

it imitates, and masquerades;

rather than naming life as a falsehood, i think language more fitting with the rest of the poem

are words describing life as unimportant rather than unreal.

For man’s torch can only flare and dim,

but remains a speck in a great abyss;

i like the two above lines as they are.

The eternal sunset comes closer still,

Should I live in wait or run to it with all my will?

the rhythm of these last two lines is a little off, but i think that can be fixed by shortening the last line - approach with all my will, embrace with all my will, etc

I hope this helps out. I like the message you're putting forth and with a little touching up this would be a very nice read.