Falling Leaves

[ellajam]

Hi, Luke, you've got something solid to work with here. There are some lines where the rhyme seems forced and some mild inversions that would be easy to change, and there are some lines that don't add much but see to be there for the sake of the form. You could use those lines to add something better. i've put a few notes below, I hope they help a bit.

Falling leaves that ride the breeze
Your colors are a joy to see.
Gusts carry you sadly
As you glide gladly Gladly seems to be not quite the right word, just chosen for the rhyme.
From places used to be.

Falling leaves that ride the breeze
To where do you go Why not say where do you go to?
When gone from the tree?
Heaven or rot? Eden or not?
Seems no matter, you softly agree. Lovely two lines.

Falling leaves that ride the breeze
Your final flight enlightens me. Very nice.
Colors you show
Patterns you grow
Shine in times of dark sorrow. I really don't get these three lines.

Falling leaves that ride the breeze
The hues have spoken sweet things to me. Possibly move the period to the line below and use a comma, colon or em dash here.
That beauty arises in many disguises
Such are the lessons
I've learned from thee. I think you could make better use of these two lines, they don't add much.

Falling leaves that ride the breeze
Teach green leaves
To leave the trees. This is fun to say.
Teach our race to fall
With Your Grace and ease.



***Tried to put this in here without the "you, your, me, us" pronouns due to someone saying I need to eliminate as many pronouns as possible, but it just didn't feel right. Let me know if taking them out would be better. And advice/input is appreciated!