Present

[nikkisto]

Hello nikkisto, welcome to the site!

Given that this is in the novice forum I will deliberately hold back from the sort of line by line critique that this deserves. I feel like what you have here is that block of marble that is almost the sculpture it could be. So let me give you some brief feedback on what I feel is a really promising piece.

You use expansive flourishes in your language. It's like the speaker is bubbling over. You tend to stack descriptor upon descriptor. While this can work, there are many moments where it actually over rotates a bit and steals power from the other words. I think your next pass is an editing one where you pare down the excess. Make the phrase demand that it remain. When you have two to three elements building on the same area, look to remove one or two of them and see if that doesn't enhance the power of the piece. This could be as simple as considering dry, cracked earth or colors and hues. I'm not even making suggestions because I think a light touch is better at this point of the life cycle of the poem.

I enjoyed the read. I hope to see more from you.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for the welcome, and for the stellar feedback. I think you've hit the nail on the head, in my technical writing I find myself backing away from the strength of my idea through excessive examples or fluff. I can see that I've brought that here as well. It feels a bit of a risk to just put something out there straight forwardly, but that's the point isn't it?