02-05-2016, 04:43 AM
You know what, Nikkisto? This is the best debut poem I've read on this site for a very long time. There is a distinct battle between the yearning of nostalgia and the realisation that it's a pointless yearning for time, not place. It's clear there's been a move from milder climes to the Outback, or desert, or whatever you happen to call it -- somewhere less hospitable, as these things are understood by people who haven't lived in that sort of place all their lives. There's a struggle to appreciate, with a decision to do so.
Occasionally you overdo the contrasts and there are a number of wasted words here -- in the second line, you don't need "all the", for example. I think the word "unreal" is unnecessary also -- it's not strong and adds nothing that isn't made clear by the following lines. I was not sold on "farness" until I read it through a few times, and now I think that it's precisely correct.
As an exercise, you could benefit from going over this and taking out words that are only synonyms of others, not adding nuance. Then remove anything that makes obvious what you want to subtly imply. Then words that are little more than stage directions.
You have a good poem here and it's clear that there are plenty more in you. I'm quite excited by your promise and can't wait to see what happens when you master some of the discipline of poetry.
Occasionally you overdo the contrasts and there are a number of wasted words here -- in the second line, you don't need "all the", for example. I think the word "unreal" is unnecessary also -- it's not strong and adds nothing that isn't made clear by the following lines. I was not sold on "farness" until I read it through a few times, and now I think that it's precisely correct.
As an exercise, you could benefit from going over this and taking out words that are only synonyms of others, not adding nuance. Then remove anything that makes obvious what you want to subtly imply. Then words that are little more than stage directions.
You have a good poem here and it's clear that there are plenty more in you. I'm quite excited by your promise and can't wait to see what happens when you master some of the discipline of poetry.