02-05-2016, 03:00 AM
Ok, here goes my first run at revisions. I found this much harder than anticipated, running over single words over and over again 
I hope that I was able to put into place more of the poetic discipline Leanne talked about, I certainly felt the constraints of it this time. In a positive, challenge yourself kind of way, of course. Have at it! Any level of critique is appreciated, no need to soften remarks.
Edit 1 (with revision)-
Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
Hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration and untapped adventure,
but devoid of the emerald blanket of life
now only in the corners of my self.
Intangible in farness,
ever present in ensuing doubt.
See what you have tossed aside.
The origin site, rolling with the rushing water of life.
Veiled to you once more.
Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling shadows of the new,
dropping seeds of antiquity into this cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace you.
Feel it leverage its brazen promise against your gray regret.
Listen again in this rough breeze,
the vibrant hues live against the sky,
the life that pulses out of sight.
I am here, your Eden of reprieve,
I am here. We are here.
Original-
Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
All the hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration, description, and untapped adventure,
but devoid of the thick, emerald blankets of trees and life
that live now only in the corners of my self.
These are missed, and unreal.
Intangible in their farness, yet ever present in the doubting voice that follows,
See what you had, what you tossed aside without thought.
The origin site, rolling with rock and magma, and the wholly saturating water of life
Once left is masked once more.
Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling the shadows of the new,
Dropping seeds of antiquity into this dry, cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace every inch of you.
Feel it loosening, lengthening, leveraging
the promise of adventure against the cold gray hand of nostalgia.
Listen again, in this rough yet gentle breeze.
Listen again, in the vibrancy of colors and hues live against the sky.
Listen again, in the life that pulses just out of sight,
scurrying underfoot at the turn of your back.
I am here, it says.
The gates have not closed to you,
your Eden of respite and reprieve, comfortingly unknown,
I am here.
We are here.
I hope that I was able to put into place more of the poetic discipline Leanne talked about, I certainly felt the constraints of it this time. In a positive, challenge yourself kind of way, of course. Have at it! Any level of critique is appreciated, no need to soften remarks.Edit 1 (with revision)-
Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
Hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration and untapped adventure,
but devoid of the emerald blanket of life
now only in the corners of my self.
Intangible in farness,
ever present in ensuing doubt.
See what you have tossed aside.
The origin site, rolling with the rushing water of life.
Veiled to you once more.
Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling shadows of the new,
dropping seeds of antiquity into this cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace you.
Feel it leverage its brazen promise against your gray regret.
Listen again in this rough breeze,
the vibrant hues live against the sky,
the life that pulses out of sight.
I am here, your Eden of reprieve,
I am here. We are here.
Original-
Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
All the hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration, description, and untapped adventure,
but devoid of the thick, emerald blankets of trees and life
that live now only in the corners of my self.
These are missed, and unreal.
Intangible in their farness, yet ever present in the doubting voice that follows,
See what you had, what you tossed aside without thought.
The origin site, rolling with rock and magma, and the wholly saturating water of life
Once left is masked once more.
Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling the shadows of the new,
Dropping seeds of antiquity into this dry, cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace every inch of you.
Feel it loosening, lengthening, leveraging
the promise of adventure against the cold gray hand of nostalgia.
Listen again, in this rough yet gentle breeze.
Listen again, in the vibrancy of colors and hues live against the sky.
Listen again, in the life that pulses just out of sight,
scurrying underfoot at the turn of your back.
I am here, it says.
The gates have not closed to you,
your Eden of respite and reprieve, comfortingly unknown,
I am here.
We are here.