Old Rhythm

[tectak]

Few thoughts:

[Image: http://www.cre8it.com/nowwhatzinesep02/z...tarist.jpg]

My fingers dance
and strike and dance Strike's a good crash.
as I play a beat
for the couples to dance
and dance and dance
as the smoke from cigars
brushes my neck
as I brush the neck
as he brushes her neck Would think "and" would be just as clear, and more fitting, here than as.
with his rough, dry lips This is where I get lost -- all suddenly so sticky, so vivid, so red, from the blue. But maybe that's a good thing.
and I move my lips
and the blue
escapes as the blues Last three lines are something I neither see nor feel in the poem. First might be there, but it depends on its following, and the blue feels redundant, both to the painting and to the next, as the blues feels completely absent, at least after a bit of reading on what the painting is, who painted it, where and when and why it was painted, etc -- that is, I just never associated "the blues" as music with Spain.
and my cells are alive Something dead about this line. Just as the last one, I don't think this is anywhere in the poem, or anything to be gotten from it -- the cells being alive feels too fundamental a joy for the poor artist.
with the red of the night
as the blue escapes Again, the blue feels redundant here -- and with the lips, I somehow think the "red of the night" is also redundant, though a necessary sum.

like the blue surrounds
like the wind surrounds Wind is too dynamic.
like the city surrounds
like the air surrounds Air is too empty. It's there, yes, and yet it's not -- it's nothing to be thought of, unlike the corresponding near-omnipresence of the blue, which is to be thought of, being what makes this painting its own.
the small coin
enough for a drink The lack of a comma here rattles me,
a drink meant to make whereas here it feels right.
please make my fingers
dance. Ending feels somehow not there; the poor artist doesn't seem to beg at all, at least not consciously. But like the absent bit about the lips, maybe this newness is just right -- and maybe it'd be perfect with a bit more development.

And slightly disappointed that the brownness of the guitar seems untouched -- unless it is somehow equated symbolically with the (though, in my mind, much more vivid, yet still somewhat brown) coin, which is an equation I would personally, vehemently disagree with.

Thanks for the feedback!
Honestly, this was an assignment given to me in Lit class with no background on the painting, so the images may not fit. I wrote this solely off of the visual. Now that you mention spain, it is strange to write about the blues.
I also appreciate your feedback on wording... i totally agree about the cells, but i needed it to be a word that length. i have this poem stuck in my head in a certain rhythm so i honestly dont feel qualified to read it straight anymore...thank you! I am split on whether or not the change a few wording problems...they make it sound so pleasing out loud.

Thoughts?

-Liz

Good egg.
mod.