Follow Me

[Jeremiahcp]

it is difficult to do a line by line because of the way the formatting is done on the forums, but I appreciate the consistency of the story and theme.  I didn't really see strong rythm in the piece which is OK, but the lack of rythm coupled with the awkward phrasing made the poem considerably less enjoyable.  "As did Voyager we too shall". Do you talk like that? Does anyone? Is it excused by rythm?...

Also,  there were a few phrases that don't make sense or sound sophomoric. The asteroid belt stanza stood out for this, as did the phasing about an emerald day. "once we won" should be once we've won...


Sometimes the rhyming comes off odd, especially when it is at the end of both lines. I feel the internal rhymes help move the poem through space, so I liked that, but there is no consistency and it comes off feeling haphazard and by mistake.

maybe surpassing voyager would work better.

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in your poem it reads though, not through


http://forum.rhymezone.com/articles/963-...avoid-them

^its from a different site but it's a very nice write up

Thanks for the input, and good catch on though. I broke away from traditional rhyme schemes, to a more free style rhyme. Psychology has shown that people have a stronger reaction to an unpredictable pattern. It is the same concept that casinos use to hook people.  I plan on doing some more in dept research on the idea, but at this time, I have just been experimenting with random rhyme. So I really appreciate the feedback. I am actually taking this poem to a local workshop, and see if I can get some more input on the rhyme. At this time I figure the best approach is to just try something, and then gather feedback. 

"Do you talk like that?"

No one talks the same way they write.   But I moved it around a bit, as it does sound a little too pumped.