Follow Me

[QDeathstar]

Here is my current project.  Would love to hear, any feedback.

Follow me

Follow me and we’ll swing
off the tip of the Crescent Moon,
into winged boots,
and race Mercury around the Sun.

Once we won 
we’ll swoon Venus
with a volcanic love song.
Then from her fiery embrace,
make our escape
with her sister Gaia;
to ride on clouds and sway
in the emerald day.

We’ll take up arms
to make war with Mars;
from the top of Olympus Mon
we’ll throw him down,
claim his red crown.
Then flee from the rage
of his desert plains.

We’ll let loose the Asteroid Belt,
and watch the mighty boulders
crash, bash and rumble
across empty space.

We’ll brave the immortal storm
to blaze and craze,
as we stare Jupiter down,
and sling him in his unblinking eye;
before the giant crumbles we’ll fly.

And hook a spin 
on Saturn's crystal rings.
In our circle, dizzy haze
we’ll jump off and shake off
the daze.

From Titan’s reach
we’ll beseech Uranus
to soar with us
in his azure ice.

Leaving father emeritus behind
we’ll dive head long,
into the vast Neptune blue
and swim on though;

to fall, fumble
trip and tumble
after Pluto’s irregular loop.

As did Voyager we too shall forge 
where nothing from Earth has flown before;
and as the distant stars
waltz to the cosmic song,
we’ll dance across the Milky Way.

it is difficult to do a line by line because of the way the formatting is done on the forums, but I appreciate the consistency of the story and theme. I didn't really see strong rythm in the piece which is OK, but the lack of rythm coupled with the awkward phrasing made the poem considerably less enjoyable. "As did Voyager we too shall". Do you talk like that? Does anyone? Is it excused by rythm?...

Also, there were a few phrases that don't make sense or sound sophomoric. The asteroid belt stanza stood out for this, as did the phasing about an emerald day. "once we won" should be once we've won...


Sometimes the rhyming comes off odd, especially when it is at the end of both lines. I feel the internal rhymes help move the poem through space, so I liked that, but there is no consistency and it comes off feeling haphazard and by mistake.

maybe surpassing voyager would work better.

---

in your poem it reads though, not through


http://forum.rhymezone.com/articles/963-...avoid-them

^its from a different site but it's a very nice write up