02-01-2016, 01:16 AM
“am i happy” (A question makes for a weak opening, and as it set the tone for the rest of the poem...)
I ask the Internet (as the internet is a data input and retrieval system it can't be asked a question as it is posed here, maybe if it said to friends on facebook or some or social media or even "Siri" it might work, but just the internet, no. There must at least be a personal component)
as I sit in old pajamas (every lines should be purposeful, what is the purpose of this one? I am still in bed-Saturday-11am, is there some point in moving the poem along as to what the speaker is wearing. The word "still" implies that one has yet to get dressed.)
still in bed on a Saturday
11AM.
I have a staring match with the search bar. (present perfect would better here "I am having a staring matching with the search bar."
It blinks first, but it is I who’s I have lost (It blinks first, but it is I who have lost
myself in (Frantically blundering through) Google pages
on self help topics, and otherwise
but helplessly
I find no self love.
anywhere. implied
An ad flashes neon at me: (Not really possible on the internet, but I would like the URL
)
"want big tits and no worries
75k working from home
magic pills make you just like
Barbie (yes, the blonde one!) assumed
and answers to all life’s questions? (This whole phrase is written a bit awkward, but most sex ads are, up to the writer if she wish to revise it, as nothing else of the vernacular has been used it would seem advisable to do so. Would offset this in block, thus (purely stylistic))
Tell me. (purely stylistic: "Tell me...No!")
no.
--caps lock--
TELL ME!
for just $19.99/month, you too could… wouldn't you?
for christ’s sake
I tap the “home” key
but I’m not in mommy’s arms;
instead a banner pops up
saying my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party.
My heart beats its fists into my brain (mixed metaphor) (My heart beats fist at my brain)
hapPY? HAPpy? hapPY? HAPPY?
Like the third day of a caffeine trip. (needs something stronger, if this is going to be big and grown up, unlesss you're talking the powder, then say so)
Maybe it was the coffee on my sheets, (this is a non-sequitur)
stained by last week’s Joe (Cute play on words, but also confusing)
“He was handsomer at the bar” (why the quote marks, leads to the confusion?
I thought when he smiled and shut my door
the morning after. He never called. (cliche)
I could see its rearing head
in the reflection of my Mac screen:
the zit between my eyebrows
no makeup could cover
the bruises on the inside
were the ugliest.
Double click.
Delete all.
Blink. Blink--- (Purely stylistic: Add one more blink, drop the blank)
Blank.
____________________________________________________________________
Why so much white space, what is the rationale? If there is none, use the standard formatting of one extra space between stanzas or strophes.
The primary problem with this poem was a lack of focus. At first it leads the reader to believe the speaker is going to be a cam girl, but then it jumps to the a scene from "Looking for Mister Goodbar", one good line form that was
"my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party."
a really excellent line. Had the rest of the lines come remotely close instead of being mostly cliche or nonsensical this would have been a very decent poem, instead of simply one of many. A lot of this falls on the writing as much as the structure. My perception is that the author did not sit with this long enough (a failing of young writers who are impatient to post as quickly as possible) to see the holes and the egregious phrasing. I think this would have been much better had the writer let it set on the shelf for a few weeks and then done a through edit.
Outside of the morality play aspect of it, it is little different from what has been written by many others before. Here is the URL for "Looking for Mister Goodbar" in Wiki, watching the movie might prove instructive considering when it was filmed.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looking_fo...%28film%29
It is kind of a "looking for love in all the wrong places combined with body image problems. Some of the topics touched on in the poem.
Look forward to your next endeavor,
best,
dale
I ask the Internet (as the internet is a data input and retrieval system it can't be asked a question as it is posed here, maybe if it said to friends on facebook or some or social media or even "Siri" it might work, but just the internet, no. There must at least be a personal component)
as I sit in old pajamas (every lines should be purposeful, what is the purpose of this one? I am still in bed-Saturday-11am, is there some point in moving the poem along as to what the speaker is wearing. The word "still" implies that one has yet to get dressed.)
still in bed on a Saturday
11AM.
I have a staring match with the search bar. (present perfect would better here "I am having a staring matching with the search bar."
It blinks first, but it is I who’s I have lost (It blinks first, but it is I who have lost
myself in (Frantically blundering through) Google pages
on self help topics, and otherwise
but helplessly
I find no self love.
anywhere. implied
An ad flashes neon at me: (Not really possible on the internet, but I would like the URL
)"want big tits and no worries
75k working from home
magic pills make you just like
Barbie (yes, the blonde one!) assumed
and answers to all life’s questions? (This whole phrase is written a bit awkward, but most sex ads are, up to the writer if she wish to revise it, as nothing else of the vernacular has been used it would seem advisable to do so. Would offset this in block, thus (purely stylistic))
want big tits and no worries
75k working from home
75k working from home
magic pills make you like Barbie
answers to all life’s questions?
Tell me. (purely stylistic: "Tell me...No!")
no.
--caps lock--
TELL ME!
for just $19.99/month, you too could… wouldn't you?
for christ’s sake
I tap the “home” key
but I’m not in mommy’s arms;
instead a banner pops up
saying my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party.
My heart beats its fists into my brain (mixed metaphor) (My heart beats fist at my brain)
hapPY? HAPpy? hapPY? HAPPY?
Like the third day of a caffeine trip. (needs something stronger, if this is going to be big and grown up, unlesss you're talking the powder, then say so)
Maybe it was the coffee on my sheets, (this is a non-sequitur)
stained by last week’s Joe (Cute play on words, but also confusing)
“He was handsomer at the bar” (why the quote marks, leads to the confusion?
I thought when he smiled and shut my door
the morning after. He never called. (cliche)
I could see its rearing head
in the reflection of my Mac screen:
the zit between my eyebrows
no makeup could cover
the bruises on the inside
were the ugliest.
Double click.
Delete all.
Blink. Blink--- (Purely stylistic: Add one more blink, drop the blank)
Blank.
____________________________________________________________________
Why so much white space, what is the rationale? If there is none, use the standard formatting of one extra space between stanzas or strophes.
The primary problem with this poem was a lack of focus. At first it leads the reader to believe the speaker is going to be a cam girl, but then it jumps to the a scene from "Looking for Mister Goodbar", one good line form that was
"my account balance
is lower than my standards
after a few shots at a frat party."
a really excellent line. Had the rest of the lines come remotely close instead of being mostly cliche or nonsensical this would have been a very decent poem, instead of simply one of many. A lot of this falls on the writing as much as the structure. My perception is that the author did not sit with this long enough (a failing of young writers who are impatient to post as quickly as possible) to see the holes and the egregious phrasing. I think this would have been much better had the writer let it set on the shelf for a few weeks and then done a through edit.
Outside of the morality play aspect of it, it is little different from what has been written by many others before. Here is the URL for "Looking for Mister Goodbar" in Wiki, watching the movie might prove instructive considering when it was filmed.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looking_fo...%28film%29
It is kind of a "looking for love in all the wrong places combined with body image problems. Some of the topics touched on in the poem.
Look forward to your next endeavor,
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.