01-31-2016, 02:48 PM
Her mind has him—
surrounded
--I like the visualization this projects. I can relate to this ---
Between them,
they share a cigarette
Woman inhales, proof
she still breathes
--I picture her being in pain. Is she doing this due to her unhappiness? What leads her to this? ''Proof she still breathes'' gives it the dramatic effect that pushes me to read more. I like this ---
Woman sees alone,
sees a kiss on her mouth
- Didn't really like the execution of this. The wording seems a bit off, not so sure ---
Woman hears a voice,
sees a mouth move
Woman watches “I should
be going"
--Climax. It looks like she is about to get caught --
going
through the door
feels herself being born
much too late
- Very nice closer. I like the delivery of this. I like the 'reborn' added to it. The feel of regret? ---
Over all - Nice little piece here. I would have possibly changed the stanza I wasn't feeling to familiar with. Other than that solid work.
surrounded
--I like the visualization this projects. I can relate to this ---
Between them,
they share a cigarette
Woman inhales, proof
she still breathes
--I picture her being in pain. Is she doing this due to her unhappiness? What leads her to this? ''Proof she still breathes'' gives it the dramatic effect that pushes me to read more. I like this ---
Woman sees alone,
sees a kiss on her mouth
- Didn't really like the execution of this. The wording seems a bit off, not so sure ---
Woman hears a voice,
sees a mouth move
Woman watches “I should
be going"
--Climax. It looks like she is about to get caught --
going
through the door
feels herself being born
much too late
- Very nice closer. I like the delivery of this. I like the 'reborn' added to it. The feel of regret? ---
Over all - Nice little piece here. I would have possibly changed the stanza I wasn't feeling to familiar with. Other than that solid work.