01-29-2016, 11:05 PM
Sometimes all we can do is make tea. This is a wonderful poem.
01 We nearly called you May
02 but they wanted to name you Blossom,
03 you burst bright into life
04 all pink and white,
05 summer still waiting
06 for your smile.
07
08 The pram could move
09 from car to cradle,
10 carried under filtered sunlight,
11 a cherry flower canopy
12 softened the sting
13 on delicate eyes.
14 It was a perfect morning
15 the damp had just left the ground,
16 insects had come to play
17 and you were lost to its
18 lullaby.
19
----------------------------------------------------------
5-6 Combine them to make one line?
12 maybe another word than "sting"
13 "on your delicate eyes" ?
13-14 add line break between 13 and 14
16 I'd add a "the" at the first
17 I know "its" refers to "morning" and not "insects"
because one's plural and one ain't but...
there's still a bit of a stumble there for the reader
17 why not "lost in"
18 combine with 17
----------------------------------------------------------
20 I would like to think
21 the beauty of that day
22 took away your breath
23 but there are other theories
24 I've read too many times.
25
26 On a cold blustery day
27 underneath those branches
28 we dispersed you, watered down
29 swirling into eddies
30 sinking underground.
31
32 In the quiet of our empty home
33 I made tea
34 and looked to the garden,
35 the trees had laid
36 their blankets over you,
37 giving up their short life
38 to keep you warm,
39
40 as they do every year.
------------------------------------------------------
23-24 need re-phrasing -- just deleting 24 sort of works, but no...
it needs to be stated differently
or maybe you could delete both and leave it to the reader
deleting both works for me
26 "cold" is unnecessary
27 "those same" instead of "those" ?
28-30 need to be rephrased
"watered down" seems awkward to me
maybe:
we dispersed you
watched you
as you settled to the ground
this leaves out the water's action, which I love,
but maybe it's necessary?
anyway, you need to re-work it
32 "empty" isn't necessary
36 "blanket", no need for plural
37 "their" is confusing as it seems to refer to the trees
leaves have a short life, but trees don't -- rephrase
Hope that helps. A beautiful poem; has a heart to it
that will out no matter how it's phrased.
01 We nearly called you May
02 but they wanted to name you Blossom,
03 you burst bright into life
04 all pink and white,
05 summer still waiting
06 for your smile.
07
08 The pram could move
09 from car to cradle,
10 carried under filtered sunlight,
11 a cherry flower canopy
12 softened the sting
13 on delicate eyes.
14 It was a perfect morning
15 the damp had just left the ground,
16 insects had come to play
17 and you were lost to its
18 lullaby.
19
----------------------------------------------------------
5-6 Combine them to make one line?
12 maybe another word than "sting"
13 "on your delicate eyes" ?
13-14 add line break between 13 and 14
16 I'd add a "the" at the first
17 I know "its" refers to "morning" and not "insects"
because one's plural and one ain't but...
there's still a bit of a stumble there for the reader
17 why not "lost in"
18 combine with 17
----------------------------------------------------------
20 I would like to think
21 the beauty of that day
22 took away your breath
23 but there are other theories
24 I've read too many times.
25
26 On a cold blustery day
27 underneath those branches
28 we dispersed you, watered down
29 swirling into eddies
30 sinking underground.
31
32 In the quiet of our empty home
33 I made tea
34 and looked to the garden,
35 the trees had laid
36 their blankets over you,
37 giving up their short life
38 to keep you warm,
39
40 as they do every year.
------------------------------------------------------
23-24 need re-phrasing -- just deleting 24 sort of works, but no...
it needs to be stated differently
or maybe you could delete both and leave it to the reader
deleting both works for me
26 "cold" is unnecessary
27 "those same" instead of "those" ?
28-30 need to be rephrased
"watered down" seems awkward to me
maybe:
we dispersed you
watched you
as you settled to the ground
this leaves out the water's action, which I love,
but maybe it's necessary?
anyway, you need to re-work it
32 "empty" isn't necessary
36 "blanket", no need for plural
37 "their" is confusing as it seems to refer to the trees
leaves have a short life, but trees don't -- rephrase
Hope that helps. A beautiful poem; has a heart to it
that will out no matter how it's phrased.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions