Grass-ocean-bondage thing

[Todd]

Hi, here are some comments for you. I haven't read any of the other comments so I'm sorry if it repeats:

I love the title. Makes me want to read the poem.

She lay back--I realize you were given the first two lines as a jumping off point, but any interest the title gave me was lost by this flat opening. "She lay back". This actually causes me to lose faith in the poem.
Hair split ‘round in grass.--Again, really clumsy phrasing that doesn't do much. She's laying down, check. Her hair is split round maybe splayed on the grass in some way. This is just the bland reporting of detail. The title promises some level of interest--but so far the promise isn't realized yet.
 
Erect, green comb-teeth,--Now the wording just gets choppy. We're imaging the grass blades themselves like a mouth of sorts chewing or holding down her hair.
pierce running black locks--running black locks doesn't add much. Again this is pointing out details instead of capturing the idea in a fresh image. Outside of hair color nothing is added. This feels like you could cut and condense a lot of this and be much tighter in your diction.
coursing all non-compliant, --What is the advantage of using running above and then using coursing here? Coursing is the more evocative word. All non-compliant just seems like it's here to rhyme with defiant. It doesn't add much.
defiant lee lost.--This type of attempt isn't that effective. If you were going to go for it. You would have to commit from the very beginning and push the poem to the absurd--it still might not work, but just putting it in like this comes across poorly.
 
She lay--This could have a good idea in it. I think if you want this to work you need to commit at the beginning to a longer line that you can cut portions off to shift the meaning in entirely different directions. The problem with this method as you have it is it isn't doing much of anything. You could develop it though.
back arching safe passage --So the other person travels under the arch of her back? Feels odd
over a bed of green nails,--We get it the grass is green and pointy. The extra references need to bring something new to the poem or they just come across as flat.
while soft green silk ribbons--again with green--mix it up some.
lapped at her toes.--The first real ocean reference from the title.
 
She
lay back down
and the channel was crushed,
dawning sun-faced delight;
sighing sea green horizon.

As a metaphor, it feels a bit choppy. The poem doesn't seem to hold together well. Great promise in the title that didn't feel realized in the poem. I wish I found more that worked for me.

I'm not sure if any of these comments help you. I hope some of them do.

Best,

Todd