Quote:She lay back
Hair split ‘round in grass. -- why 'round? Why the attempt at a poeticism, when it's physically confounding? Is it split or is it entwined around something? Or is it just spread?
Erect, green comb-teeth, -- the commas makes this nonsensical. Are they erect green comb-teeth or are they piercing the hair to erection?
pierce running black locks
coursing all non-compliant,
defiant lee lost. -- you may assume this is a clever way to write defiantly. To any reader tired of twee attempts to arbitrarily change spelling and make puns where none actually exist, this just looks like you've misspelled the meadow lea or for some bizarre reason, her sheltered side has lost its defiance. Because there's a kind of nautical thing going on, I'm guessing that's supposed to somehow extend your metaphor but the concept of a "defiant lee" is just not right.
She lay
back arching safe passage -- the arch of the back created safe passage?
over a bed of green nails,
while soft green silk ribbons -- there are synonyms for green, you know. And adjectives other than colours.
lapped at her toes.
She
lay back down -- because you've got "back arching" in the previous strophe, this just reads as if it's describing her position: back down, not front down. Unexciting.
and the channel was crushed,
dawning sun-faced delight;
sighing sea green horizon. -- oh, what a surprise. More green.
Yeah, you know those rules? Don't fuck them until you become better acquainted.