A Song About Love [lyrics]

[tectak]

#1
12-22-2015, 12:19 PM 

[audio: https://m.soundcloud.com/christopher-you...cals-draft]

A Song About Love

[Verse]
Oh, my love, look what the day's done.Hyperbolic start reeking of old romanticism and and anguished cliche... but that's the double trouble with love songs and the isolation of lyrics. You gotta have the music. As it is,this stanza is excruciatingly predictable...right down to the appaling rhyme of sweet with incomplete. OK. That's what it does for me...absolutely nothing BUT you know all this already so you need to ask yourself if you really want this to be judged as lyrical poetry or as a commercially challenged song. About songs, I know nothing...about poetry, twice as much...but about subjective excellence, I am shit-hot. So a rewrite is called for...it needs to be much, much cleverer.
It started off sweet . . .
How have I ended up 
Feeling so achingly incomplete?

Everything I ever wanted
Was right here, between my fingers. In trying to avoid the "in my hands" cliche, you end up with an absurdity. Between my fingers? What can you mean? If it IS a song then one can expect and accept that mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy but that does not excuse accidental nonsense. If you really read what you write surely, crow, you can see how weak this is. The closing lines of this stanza have no reason, poetically, to be as meaningless as they are. It is just not you.
I guess the world must be wicked after all—
It took your smile and made it sting.

[Chorus]
This song is about love, 
How it hurts you to your knees,
Makes, "Come home soon,
"Baby, won't you?,"
Turn to, "Please! Please!" Absolutely dreadfull in every way imaginable and in some ways I cannot imagine. What IS this?

[Verse]
And what am I 
Supposed to love now?
Must be the pain
Since there's nothing else. Not interesting enough to continue. You are better than this. CONCENTRATE on the excellence of the lyrics or the song will be like a million others. Hurts me to my knees to say it.....sheeesh.

I'm trying to be proud,
But the heart knows how to break:
Where you're strongest,
It just adds memories.

[Chorus, soft]
This song is about love.
It makes your prayers into fragile things,
When what you want most,
It won't let you keep.

[Chorus, loud]
Said, this song is about love,
Makes a man say the strangest things,
Like, "Hallelujah!,"
And, "I want it again."

A suggestion on lyrics. Make each stanza a cameo. Find a subtle point on the nuances of love and then contra the point in the chorus....play two parts, the one who loves blindly and unconditionally and the contra-chorus a hard reality check.


----------
—Note, the lyrics above differ slightly from the audio. But the ones above are the more recent draft.

—also, I posted this in misc, but should've posted here. My intention is to get this as close to "great" as possible, and then to get it recorded professionally as part of an audition package I can use to get a job with, so any comments, big or small, that I can use to make this a better song lyrically, I'd be happy to hear 'em.