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[rayheinrich]

I like the use of white space in your poem, echoing the image that accompanies it. Within the poem, the word 'the' appears often - along with 'that' and 'that's', which for me are weaknesses. Empty-of-meaning filler words stand out in such a sparse work. They add nothing to the circling thoughts. I really like the sound you've added, though. The 'bark' becomes the insistence of the world outside.

For me, the filler words are necessary to convey the sense that I'm speaking directly to the reader.
I think that trying to make the poem seem a bit more intimate (spoken to the reader conversationally,
using those tiny worlds we always seem to include) adds to the emotional connection I want the reader
to feel with the writer. It's intended to be an atmospheric poem, an allegorical dream; it needs a bit of
toning down so as not to seem too distant.

But I did look at it and you've made me realize that some of those "the" "thats" "that's" should be
contained within a line, not at the start of them. Those unnecessary line breaks dulled the intimate
(intended, at least) feel of it.

I've edited it to remove them. Does that improve it for you?
(I love this version; thanks for your help.)

And thanks for considering the damn thing; now I can claim to dale that a real world exists outside
of our two selves. (To the extent that a poet [you] can be considered part of the real world...
no, wait, poet's are the communicators of reality, aren't they? [Our egos know no bounds.] )

Ray

P.S. Also, I admit, some of them were placed just for filler to maintain (after the first lead-in stanza)
the poem's strict construction in iambic feet. I sometimes break a foot between lines so that some
lines turn trochaic, but it remains disylabic the whole way through as to maintain its dreamlike dance.