01-28-2016, 02:57 PM
Massive thanks -- I could feel that this was a great mess of shadows and light, I just couldn't tell which was which. I still remember how some bits connect together, however, especially when referring to the older drafts, so I've tried cutting a good deal from the poem, and somewhat clarifying, with bits of additions and rearrangements, how they actually work. The second draft is upstairs.
A few more specific responses:
Older drafts have the Orphean proverb, which is also my favorite of this whole bloody affair, as a sort of prologue. I've played with it a bit, so now it's chopped up, one piece up there, one piece stuck here.
I've kept the enjambment, precisely to make the lines more even. It just sounds better to me, but I still get the sense of it all.
I know "dying embers" is cliche, bu at this point, I care not. The "love for you is still as true", which I kept, I also know to be cliche, and that, I'm genuinely considering to change.
As per the new draft, I've clarified that the sibyl was the Cumean Sibyl, who did start out as a young girl, but was given the gift of immortality (ahem, without eternal youth) by her lover the art-god. Thus, the silver hair, which is kept, and the fluttering leaves, now books of leaves.
I'll deal with the commas when I don't have to deal with content as much.
That awkward bit with the living tree, I'm still thinking about -- I knew it was awkward from the start, but I just can't think of a good way to say it right, like with "the love for you" bit.
A few more specific responses:
Older drafts have the Orphean proverb, which is also my favorite of this whole bloody affair, as a sort of prologue. I've played with it a bit, so now it's chopped up, one piece up there, one piece stuck here.
I've kept the enjambment, precisely to make the lines more even. It just sounds better to me, but I still get the sense of it all.
I know "dying embers" is cliche, bu at this point, I care not. The "love for you is still as true", which I kept, I also know to be cliche, and that, I'm genuinely considering to change.
As per the new draft, I've clarified that the sibyl was the Cumean Sibyl, who did start out as a young girl, but was given the gift of immortality (ahem, without eternal youth) by her lover the art-god. Thus, the silver hair, which is kept, and the fluttering leaves, now books of leaves.
I'll deal with the commas when I don't have to deal with content as much.
That awkward bit with the living tree, I'm still thinking about -- I knew it was awkward from the start, but I just can't think of a good way to say it right, like with "the love for you" bit.