In Glass

[Todd]

Hi Brujo,

I haven't read any of the feedback so forgive me if I repeat something. Here are some comments for you:

Hi all!  This is my first thread!  I'd love some honest opinions, critiques, or suggestions on this!  Thanks! 


In Glass

Tetras fletched of cobalt and ruby--Like the image quite a bit. Fletched is what holds this together. It seems to perfectly fit the look of fins. As a first line, it gives us insight into the title immediately and tetras with sensory colors is interesting enough to keep reading.
shoot through the water.
A tribe of a hundred poisoned blow darts--poisoned is interesting. You insert an idea of danger into the image. Without that, this is repetitious without adding much. Poisoned though anchors the line. Darts is also a good end word as it suggests both the noun and the verb. I think when your nouns create a sense of motion the poem begins to sing.
curve into a bubbly helix.--Curve is a good motion word. Bubbly implies motion as well.
An orchid blossoming then molting back,--This line gets a little too static for me in its image. We have a flower blossoming but while its a pretty sort of image I don't think it adds anything. I don't usually associate molting with a flower more a snake. Its a good word if used with a snake maybe for some sort of transformation or additional sense of danger, it feels out of place with the orchid (to me at least) and the orchid doesn't add much for me only makes me stop moving in the poem.
They come and coalesce through the green--come and could probably be cut
against their fragile plates of glass.--Would they perceive them as fragile. We've moved to an omniscient narrator judgment. It's one step removed from the action.
Flowing, swimming,
Swimming and flowing,--I realize you use this sequence to set up the later one. I'm not sure its an elegant way to tie the speaker to the fish. I'd prefer a more subtle turn or way to access the metaphor.
through the same stones and green--The repetition of green and its use hear aren't doing much for me.
they’ve seen since their spawn,--This has a clipped poetry sort of read that may not be entirely accurate. Spawn probably at least needs a construction in the past tense.
tracing the same paths millions of times--The idea behind this hyperbole could be made better. What you seem to be going for is the idea that what looks random is actually predetermined. It feels like a statement on free will and determinism--which might be the heart of the poem if you can draw it out a little more.
as infinite as shore break.--This is so close to being where you need it. I like the phrasing. You simply need a better build up to sell the idea behind the line. Right now B does not follow A.
As if quietly lullabied in the current,
tendril, waters of Amazonia, --I'm not sure what these two lines give you.
they follow their reflections.--Again love this. I feel you need to build to it a little better. This feels thematic like the determinism line above.
 
Little souls in the sound of a rippling filter,--This is where you lose subtlety. 
calm me to sleep this night.
I've drifted into sameness
And yet soaked in my own complacency --Maybe blend this entire section somehow into the metaphor. Maybe hide the speaker behind the tetras. This is too bland of a follow up. 
I've followed, flowed,
Flowed and followed,---again not the connection point I think you want.
Only to awaken and lie awake
in the same unsettled state.--Flat statements. It's like the beginning of the poem is motion and this is a loud thunk. We've come to a halt of reflective existentialism. 
With fingers grazing my damp window,--damp and window if you can make them work are a better connection point than the following/flowed thing. You may want to simple consider a title change: "Fingers Grazing My Damp Window"
I wonder in your stubborn grace.--This isn't an uninteresting close, it's more that the poem hasn't build to it to justify it.

I was three quarters of the way through my comments when I noticed this was in Mild not Serious. My apologies. Hopefully, I haven't given you way more than you were looking for. If this were in Novice I would have deleted and started again. Hopefully, the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd