01-26-2016, 06:19 AM
[quote='Qdeathstar' pid='201912' dateline='1451625651']
Edit 1
The drips tick and tap my windshield
as obedient wipers erase all impact
of rain drops' final self expression ----------not sure if I like the use of self expression. Is this word usage appropriate if the rain drops are, as it states in the third stanza, rising to battle?
streaming down glass ending in amorphous puddles. I like 'amorphous puddles'
Why should rain rise in battle
against gravity
in conquest of vain glimpses of the Sun I do not like 'vain glimpses', a confusing term.
merely to crash back to murk?
I found this an enjoyable read. What I like the most is the hard consonant sounds of words like tick, impact, back and murk. As a reader, the sounds helped create the experience of driving in a downpour (what fun), specifically hard rain on the windshield. However, as stated above, in the third stanza the rain is referenced as a battle, which does't carry over quite neat coming from stanza one. Overall, nice sounding, succinct, and effective.
best,
-Nick
Edit 1
The drips tick and tap my windshield
as obedient wipers erase all impact
of rain drops' final self expression ----------not sure if I like the use of self expression. Is this word usage appropriate if the rain drops are, as it states in the third stanza, rising to battle?
streaming down glass ending in amorphous puddles. I like 'amorphous puddles'
Why should rain rise in battle
against gravity
in conquest of vain glimpses of the Sun I do not like 'vain glimpses', a confusing term.
merely to crash back to murk?
I found this an enjoyable read. What I like the most is the hard consonant sounds of words like tick, impact, back and murk. As a reader, the sounds helped create the experience of driving in a downpour (what fun), specifically hard rain on the windshield. However, as stated above, in the third stanza the rain is referenced as a battle, which does't carry over quite neat coming from stanza one. Overall, nice sounding, succinct, and effective.
best,
-Nick