01-25-2016, 03:30 AM
Cool poem! Here are some notes I had.
Old Folks at Home (third edit)
The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time:
broadcast, a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.
Sharing a time in memory,----A memory in time?
the years when they were young again,
when life was how it used to be,
partnered in pleasure without pain.
Ignoring their arthritic knees,
they danced as though in times gone by,
secretly pleased that no-one sees
a ready smile smiles become a sigh sighs.
The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as time returned to present day,
where aches and pains so rarely cease. ---Good end rhyme doesn't sound forced
I like the images of quirkiness and happiness. I like the trajectory of flashing back, then returning to present reality. I also enjoyed to the cadence to it. With that being said, I think the poem is a bit conservative. An ingredient of good poetry is the suspension of disbelief. Maybe try expanding the metaphor and some of your images by. Address the the senses - sigh, sound, touch, ect.
Old Folks at Home (third edit)
The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time:
broadcast, a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.
Sharing a time in memory,----A memory in time?
the years when they were young again,
when life was how it used to be,
partnered in pleasure without pain.
Ignoring their arthritic knees,
they danced as though in times gone by,
secretly pleased that no-one sees
a ready smile smiles become a sigh sighs.
The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as time returned to present day,
where aches and pains so rarely cease. ---Good end rhyme doesn't sound forced
I like the images of quirkiness and happiness. I like the trajectory of flashing back, then returning to present reality. I also enjoyed to the cadence to it. With that being said, I think the poem is a bit conservative. An ingredient of good poetry is the suspension of disbelief. Maybe try expanding the metaphor and some of your images by. Address the the senses - sigh, sound, touch, ect.