01-24-2016, 05:30 AM
CarrieChristo,
A nice reminisce, but has a number of problems that are disruptive to the poem.
Need to stick with one voice: Edit:
"Hot cement strikes my young toes sharply
As we dance wildly in loose elastic*
Swimming free, herds of hungry carp
My song is loud, your smile spastic"
*Punctuation is needed. Always write your lines out in sentences using correct grammar and punctuation to avoid lines such as:
"As we dance wildly in loose elastic" This begs the question, loose elastic what? Elastic is a property, it is not an object. Rubber bands are elastic; the top of one's underwear is elastic; ponytail holders are elastic. You could replace elastic with "ecstatic" or "ascetic" neither and both are off-rhyme, or slant rhyme if you will to "spastic," but better than "elastic". As one cannot use elastic the rhyme with "spastic", thus it is a forced rhyme.
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There are no such things are "Swimming free, herds of hungry carp". One cannot take leave of reality simply because they wish to be alliterative. Carp are fish, fish swim in schools. You could have "hungry careening carp."
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Grammar and Punctuation have been hammered out for many hundreds of years in order to help make writing as clear as it can be. To remove both only means that the writing becomes less intelligible. One generally assumes that the writer wishes to be understood, not to write in such a way as to be misunderstood, which is what happens when one does not use grammar and punctuation. Only when one has a very solid rationale for abandoning them, should one do so. No such rationale exists here. It is common with beginning poets to follow the affectation of the day, but lack of grammar or punctuation have no more justification than writing using center justify (with the exception of concrete poetry). In terms of capitalizing the first letter of every line.
As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension.
BTW Not using Grammar, punctuation, misspelling words, capping the start of every line, tortured syntax and so on, is not a style.
I'm not trying to be hard, only to point out that these problems persists throughout the poem (your spelling is fine which is better than many people).
A note on "narrative voice" i.e., first person, second person and so on. A poem like this one (not to state it as an absolute, but in this case it is true), is always more powerful when told from the first person. It brings a sense of immediacy to the narrative. It makes the reader emotionally connect and care about what is happening in the poem, whereas second and third are more distant and have to use other ways to connect emotionally to the reader. One of course generally avoids the second person narrative altogether. This is not meant to say one should always use the first person, but as this is personal experience it seems most apt.
Welcome to the site, have enjoyed your critiques,
Best,
dale
A nice reminisce, but has a number of problems that are disruptive to the poem.
Need to stick with one voice: Edit:
"Hot cement strikes my young toes sharply
As we dance wildly in loose elastic*
Swimming free, herds of hungry carp
My song is loud, your smile spastic"
*Punctuation is needed. Always write your lines out in sentences using correct grammar and punctuation to avoid lines such as:
"As we dance wildly in loose elastic" This begs the question, loose elastic what? Elastic is a property, it is not an object. Rubber bands are elastic; the top of one's underwear is elastic; ponytail holders are elastic. You could replace elastic with "ecstatic" or "ascetic" neither and both are off-rhyme, or slant rhyme if you will to "spastic," but better than "elastic". As one cannot use elastic the rhyme with "spastic", thus it is a forced rhyme.
___________________________________________________________________
There are no such things are "Swimming free, herds of hungry carp". One cannot take leave of reality simply because they wish to be alliterative. Carp are fish, fish swim in schools. You could have "hungry careening carp."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Grammar and Punctuation have been hammered out for many hundreds of years in order to help make writing as clear as it can be. To remove both only means that the writing becomes less intelligible. One generally assumes that the writer wishes to be understood, not to write in such a way as to be misunderstood, which is what happens when one does not use grammar and punctuation. Only when one has a very solid rationale for abandoning them, should one do so. No such rationale exists here. It is common with beginning poets to follow the affectation of the day, but lack of grammar or punctuation have no more justification than writing using center justify (with the exception of concrete poetry). In terms of capitalizing the first letter of every line.
As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension.
BTW Not using Grammar, punctuation, misspelling words, capping the start of every line, tortured syntax and so on, is not a style.
I'm not trying to be hard, only to point out that these problems persists throughout the poem (your spelling is fine which is better than many people).
A note on "narrative voice" i.e., first person, second person and so on. A poem like this one (not to state it as an absolute, but in this case it is true), is always more powerful when told from the first person. It brings a sense of immediacy to the narrative. It makes the reader emotionally connect and care about what is happening in the poem, whereas second and third are more distant and have to use other ways to connect emotionally to the reader. One of course generally avoids the second person narrative altogether. This is not meant to say one should always use the first person, but as this is personal experience it seems most apt.
Welcome to the site, have enjoyed your critiques,
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.