01-24-2016, 02:57 AM
Thanks for the great advice all, I have posted another revision.
About the end: some feel it ends too abruptly, but for such a short poem to end on a rhyme could leave the reader hanging looking for more rhyme. That is how rhyme works, it causes the brain to look for it, so ending on rhyme is not always a clear cut path. What I hope I did is weaken the repetition in the poem so the ending does not feel like it falls so far off. I also noticed that the poem had the word me in it three times, so I removed two of them.
About the end: some feel it ends too abruptly, but for such a short poem to end on a rhyme could leave the reader hanging looking for more rhyme. That is how rhyme works, it causes the brain to look for it, so ending on rhyme is not always a clear cut path. What I hope I did is weaken the repetition in the poem so the ending does not feel like it falls so far off. I also noticed that the poem had the word me in it three times, so I removed two of them.