01-23-2016, 07:50 AM
(01-22-2016, 07:30 AM)Wjames Wrote: While evening sways the almond groveHi,
and palm tree dates bloom on the beach,
your grandma slaves over the stove
to make a pie from summer peach.
To be honest I feel like there is not enough here.
A specific nit would be that the use of peach bothers me. Peach rhymes perfectly with beach. However, peach is not correct. A person would not be able to make a pie from one peach. A pie would involve peaches.
I do like that you are painting a portrait of the geographical region and the significance. But I feel it ends abruptly and that there could be more patterned into the scene.
Those are my thoughts for now. I will peek in again to check in and see what is happening.
"Write while the heat is in you...The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with." --Henry David Thoreau