01-22-2016, 08:19 PM
Hi, Carrie, welcome to the Pen. 
It has taken me a while to get even a slippery hold of this. There are a few reasons I think people may be slow to take this on. First is S1, I still can't make sense of it. Maybe punctuation would help, or moving it to a different spot. It is so confusing that it made it difficult to push on. Another issue is I had never heard of the game and it took me quite a few reads to realize I needed to google it to understand the poem. The third problem I had was that it seemed to describe either sibling torture or a rape and I couldn't decide which. Sometimes these issues can make for an interesting piece but I think you need to find a way to let readers in a little more easily. I don't get the stress on hot cement, maybe a title involving sandman might help. Some notes below.
It has taken me a while to get even a slippery hold of this. There are a few reasons I think people may be slow to take this on. First is S1, I still can't make sense of it. Maybe punctuation would help, or moving it to a different spot. It is so confusing that it made it difficult to push on. Another issue is I had never heard of the game and it took me quite a few reads to realize I needed to google it to understand the poem. The third problem I had was that it seemed to describe either sibling torture or a rape and I couldn't decide which. Sometimes these issues can make for an interesting piece but I think you need to find a way to let readers in a little more easily. I don't get the stress on hot cement, maybe a title involving sandman might help. Some notes below.
(01-20-2016, 12:56 PM)CarrieChristo Wrote: Hot CementYou have a lot to work with here, I hope this helps a bit.
Hot cement strikes young toes sharp I can see toes striking cement, not the other way around.
As we dance wildly in loose elastic I don't get an image I can hold here.
Swimming free, herds of hungry carp
My song is loud, your smile spastic Why?
Corns of cob and melons balled
Fall deep in bellies, curled and compressed These lines give a nice sense of nonsense, the alliteration is pleasing, a one syllable word might be nice instead of compressed.
A game of sandman, bodies sprawled Ah, this may be the key to the poem but it is buried, no division between it and the nonsense, I just passed over it, about 5 times.
Against hot cement, your arms outstretched
Perched upon your youthful frame
I swallow hard and begin my chant
Beckoning the Sandman's name
Adults inside, witnesses scant
A wincing look across your face
Lips pursed tight, then shouting, pleading
Flailing arms and helpless cries
I shush your cries and adjust my seating
Still you squirm and beg relief
My palms press hard, esteemed content
Assuring you this will be brief
"Don't be a baby", it's merely hot cement.
With eyelids pinched and wrists restrained
I murmur through, reciting prayer
Deny relief as if ordained
Working undisturbed and free from error
Finally the act's complete
I topple off, a heap of bones
A smile concealed, I sense defeat
Yet you can't suppress your woeful moans
All the above very rape-like, I'm not implying you need to change that.
A thrashing carp, you flop to your chest
A casualty hangs in his final hour
A carpenter bee has been laid to rest I'm totally lost on these last two lines.
Sacrificed for those in power.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips