01-22-2016, 03:29 AM
I really loved your perspective on labels. This is very evocative and invites the reader to consider the labels they use for themselves.
The "you" in this poem kind of confuses me. How do you know the person you're helping is "feeling stupid"? Maybe change this to something you directly observed like "looking unsure" or "looking dismayed." It sounds like you could be talking in the 2nd person - only when you switched to "I" did I realize that the writer and the person stranded were two different people. Again, when you talk about "the others" - how do you know why they didn't stop? Maybe adding a qualifier "Like so many, they are scalded by..." it seems to vast a generalization to say that was the reasoning of ALL of them. Some may have been late to work or a meeting. I understand the points you are trying to make, but the direct projection of motivation/feelings makes the poem a little muddy for me in those stanzas.
I really liked the quote as setting up the poem. It gives a good sense of time- childhood to adulthood- and a reminder about how the concept of labels you develop as a child still influence you as an adult. Also, I was intrigued by "not everyone likes doctors." Could be a subject for another poem or something to add a line or two about in this poem. I want to know why not everyone likes doctors ( I sure like them when they help me, as I am sure the stranded person did). I am sure you have some interesting experiences and perspectives on that.
Overall very nice poem.
The "you" in this poem kind of confuses me. How do you know the person you're helping is "feeling stupid"? Maybe change this to something you directly observed like "looking unsure" or "looking dismayed." It sounds like you could be talking in the 2nd person - only when you switched to "I" did I realize that the writer and the person stranded were two different people. Again, when you talk about "the others" - how do you know why they didn't stop? Maybe adding a qualifier "Like so many, they are scalded by..." it seems to vast a generalization to say that was the reasoning of ALL of them. Some may have been late to work or a meeting. I understand the points you are trying to make, but the direct projection of motivation/feelings makes the poem a little muddy for me in those stanzas.
I really liked the quote as setting up the poem. It gives a good sense of time- childhood to adulthood- and a reminder about how the concept of labels you develop as a child still influence you as an adult. Also, I was intrigued by "not everyone likes doctors." Could be a subject for another poem or something to add a line or two about in this poem. I want to know why not everyone likes doctors ( I sure like them when they help me, as I am sure the stranded person did). I am sure you have some interesting experiences and perspectives on that.
Overall very nice poem.