01-22-2016, 12:22 AM
Paul,
Hmm, a sonnet? Not on L2
Quite dif-fer-ent. In the vis-tas of its streets,
However the rest is fine, although the "As artful follies: separation melts." Comes off as a bit difficult, although technically correct.
L9 " concealed" there seems no justification for past tense here.
Personally I thought that L8 was a very good line:
"Be sealed hermetically if darkness fell."
and that darkness could refer to a number of things and although you may not have meant it, hermetically sealed alludes to the Egyptians and the jars that accompanied the important dead (mummies) on their journey in the heaven boat to the after life. So to me it connotes that these people are sealing themselves inside their homes(?) in a death-like state.
Of course there is a simply way to avoid needing all of this protection, just do like I do, possess nothing worth taking.
Anyway enough frivolity, I scanned your poem and except where noted it is technically sound, but there are myriad places that lack smoothness. I would point them out, but I think you know them already, and I have no solutions to offer. Overall the writing is clear and so is the writer's intent.
Best,
dale
Hmm, a sonnet? Not on L2
Quite dif-fer-ent. In the vis-tas of its streets,
However the rest is fine, although the "As artful follies: separation melts." Comes off as a bit difficult, although technically correct.
L9 " concealed" there seems no justification for past tense here.
Personally I thought that L8 was a very good line:
"Be sealed hermetically if darkness fell."
and that darkness could refer to a number of things and although you may not have meant it, hermetically sealed alludes to the Egyptians and the jars that accompanied the important dead (mummies) on their journey in the heaven boat to the after life. So to me it connotes that these people are sealing themselves inside their homes(?) in a death-like state.
Of course there is a simply way to avoid needing all of this protection, just do like I do, possess nothing worth taking.
Anyway enough frivolity, I scanned your poem and except where noted it is technically sound, but there are myriad places that lack smoothness. I would point them out, but I think you know them already, and I have no solutions to offer. Overall the writing is clear and so is the writer's intent.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.