01-21-2016, 05:57 PM
There's much here I like, as others have noted, the theme, combining a very modern/timely issue with an old form in a playful way, etc.
These are picks, but you asked for them, so:
I am not sure the 3rd quatrain turn goes someplace consistent. This reflects a little confusion on the theme itself. What privacy are you exploring? That the walls are climbable doesn't necessarily mean the house isn't private, it just means it isn't secure from criminals: that wall still does separate me from my neighbors who aren't spies or mobsters (which I assume is most of my neighbors), so I don't see the separation melting.
The "view from high up" also temporarily lead me to think you were making a more political comment about privacy in the post-Snowden era -- I thought it was a reference to surveillance, which made the next couple of lines throw me for a second.
It also made me go back and question the first line. You say from altitude they all look different, then explain how they look different from a ground-eye perspective, then say but from high up they don't look different. So what is it, do they look the same or different from above?
L9: I think "up high" would maintain the iambic better than "high up".
Fun sonnet, though.
These are picks, but you asked for them, so:
I am not sure the 3rd quatrain turn goes someplace consistent. This reflects a little confusion on the theme itself. What privacy are you exploring? That the walls are climbable doesn't necessarily mean the house isn't private, it just means it isn't secure from criminals: that wall still does separate me from my neighbors who aren't spies or mobsters (which I assume is most of my neighbors), so I don't see the separation melting.
The "view from high up" also temporarily lead me to think you were making a more political comment about privacy in the post-Snowden era -- I thought it was a reference to surveillance, which made the next couple of lines throw me for a second.
It also made me go back and question the first line. You say from altitude they all look different, then explain how they look different from a ground-eye perspective, then say but from high up they don't look different. So what is it, do they look the same or different from above?
L9: I think "up high" would maintain the iambic better than "high up".
Fun sonnet, though.