01-21-2016, 02:26 PM
First off, exceptionally well done. I thought the first line and the last two paragraphs were intriguing, well executed, and very good as-is.
The transition between the salt and father yelling to get out of the room is as some other have pointed out a bit abrupt.
I want to know just a little bit more about the context and the relationship. Perhaps just one more line or detail - I can't quite get a cohesive feeling for if he's screaming and the death is immediate (the same night as the taste of salt) or later. I also can't quite grasp the relationship between the two people. Providing just a bit more information, perhaps just one or two lines with some detail or clue, could create a more complete picture. However, I realize you may have intentionally left these parts of the poem vague. The other descriptions - ex: the autumn air- are so strong and complete it leaves me searching for a bit more clarity regarding the relationship and context.
Overall excellent poem and thanks for sharing.
The transition between the salt and father yelling to get out of the room is as some other have pointed out a bit abrupt.
I want to know just a little bit more about the context and the relationship. Perhaps just one more line or detail - I can't quite get a cohesive feeling for if he's screaming and the death is immediate (the same night as the taste of salt) or later. I also can't quite grasp the relationship between the two people. Providing just a bit more information, perhaps just one or two lines with some detail or clue, could create a more complete picture. However, I realize you may have intentionally left these parts of the poem vague. The other descriptions - ex: the autumn air- are so strong and complete it leaves me searching for a bit more clarity regarding the relationship and context.
Overall excellent poem and thanks for sharing.