01-21-2016, 11:50 AM
i tried hard to find repetition and all i got was seem/seemed the end rhymes go unnoticed. the meter seems spot on and the images are perfect for the city. macmansions is now my favourite word. the title weighs on the poem and adds to the open closed castle meme. i'm not capable of find anything constructive to say that could improve the poem. wish i could have been more help
(01-20-2016, 12:35 AM)dukealien Wrote: Private - See?
From altitude, each new-built suburb looks
Quite different. In the vistas of its streets,
Viewed from the ground, McMansions crowd like books
On bookshelf-roads, beyond which eyesight meets
Brick walls, a man-made lake or leafy wood.
Developments seem closed, each one a cell
Which no one’s gated yet, but surely could
Be sealed hermetically if darkness fell.
Yet viewed from high up, borders that concealed -
Walls climbable, lakes raftable, thin belts
Of trees that seemed deep forest - stand revealed
As artful follies: separation melts.
How simple, if all trust in what they see,
To slake the house-proud lust for privacy.
Another one about houses.